#1
Let me give you some background... I have borderline personality disorder, and brain damage from a getting hit by a car when I was 4. I have been applauded for my visual art, guitar playing, and creativity... but I suck at writing in general, these are my first attempts at writing something meaningful. Most of them are about being borderline. I really want criticism since I really have no idea what I'm doing, if it's good, let me know, if it sucks, let me know. Thanks in advance.


Indisposed


I know that I’ll make it, even if I go
When it happens, I don’t care to know
Hide the reigns that steer me wrong
I’m life that doesn’t belong

I find my own way
My state is old news
I’ll live by the fray
Even if it means that I lose

Take me back to when we were dead
Every day brings me new dread
It affects me everyway
Even though it’s all in my head


The Others

I could tell you my story
Or I could show you all the lies
Of breaking down for nothing more
Than something they tried to hide

They knows where this will take us
Even if we’re lost
They know what we have coming
Before my paths are crossed


Foes


I’m crying inside for the deeds they have done
I’m wondering why this war should be won
Despite the size, each dose is a foe
Clenching the losers blood soaked rose


Ticking


Imploding bombs
Never seemed so calm
But a look inside
Shows a wild ride


Strains

This form of matter makes things clear,
Examining all the details I find dear.

Let go of the wheel, my senses expand,
Feeling the glow, that lets me understand.

Creative blood fills my veins,
As I render the strength to break from past chains.

Wasting away, or living the truth?
Going through motions, or becoming a sleuth?

I want to set sail on a path to real land,
Go back to the movements that we once planned.


Ill


I want to be
The other kind
Walk around
A brand new mind

Away from the norm
Is where we will dorm
Less-traveled locations
Funny frustrations

Stay away
Cause unknown
Dieing decay
Standing alone


Debt

Clocks and time and rotting rhymes never seemed the same
Until one man I met told me I didn’t know my game
I dreamt I worked a ship, its only intent to sink
I clasped onto my ending, the ending of this drink
I wonder if I’ll make it, I almost see the shore
I knew I saw it coming, I can’t take it anymore

I want to follow, I know my own fears
But beyond this present, we only serve you tears
Locking away what I can’t seem to learn
How much should I pay, before I start to earn?

I can’t stand the future, it was always way too bright
I wonder why I move, if my turn is never right
I can stare at straight lines, but can only see the bends
I think we’ll take this path, it’s as little as I can lend

I couldn’t make it to my last breath
A goal that seemed so false
It’s something more than just a death
It’s the final losing waltz


Patrons


The special ain’t so special
If it’s served everyday
The condiments don’t make it better
Just perceived a different way

We never got a menu
This meal was set to kill
Abandoned at the table
We have to pay the bill

Our seats are hardly used
For reasons we have to learn
Customers take a step outside
Never to return

We’ll sit here till you serve us
We’ll sit here till we die
We’ll wonder how we got here
And all the reasons why
#3
Yeah dude, this is pretty good stuff, I imagine it with a progressive dream theater style instrumental behind it? Could be some powerful stuff!
How many guitar players does it take to change a light bulb?

Twelve. One to change the bulb and eleven to say they could do it better.

#4
Some of this stuff is particularly good. "Foes" I like; the 2nd and 3rd verses of "Debt"; and the 2nd verse of "Patrons" are all in this category because the lyrics can be interpretted as 'dark' but are not overtly depressive. The 4th verse of Debt is also very clever, but seems to have a different focus from the rest of that song - perhaps it should be the basis of another song...?

But also remember that whatever tune/rap rhythm you use and whatever style and accompaniment can completely alter the feel of the song. It would be interesting to find out what style the songs are.

I am generally biased towards 'clever' lyrics (as you can probably tell), and I'm not really into 'cereal box simplicity' with cliche lines, so your lyric writing is better than most of the popular stuff out there.
#5
i like it alot, sounds like it could be proggy too lol
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Minecraft Name : Selibucaz2
#6
read the rules of the forum. if you want feedback on your writing, post a thread with one piece at a time, if you want general lyrical advice go to the S&L techniques sub-forum

closed.