#1
i kissed a sea lion on the lips-
felt its rubber hips-
wisped whiskers and
whispered whispers near the zoo gates-
and later on,
when we made love,
it sounded like a
shark bite piercing a squid or
a
whale.
Last edited by rushmore at Aug 12, 2010,
#2
I miss these from you. would like a break before 'a squid' but its up to you of course. love the w's. I hope nothing is wrong, this is quite sad.
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#3
Wow, very different. Rather interesting actually. I wonder how interesting your other work is Keep on Writing
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#4
wow, despite the odd subject matter, this is very good! it really makes you think about what you could be relating to, then when you find out an answer for yourself, it kind of sticks with you, and keeps you thinking.
i really love this piece. very moving yet strange at the same time.
9/10

Crit4Crit please and thank you
#6
wisped whiskers and
whispered whispers near the zoo gates


Now that is just amazing right there. Everything in here is short and sweet. Quite odd to say the least, but entertaining. I would just say pick one instead of saying "or". That's about my only crit really.
#8
Quote by rushmore
thanks. i wanted to work on the flow at the end of the piece. i might figure something out.


yeah, i was gonna say... it seems have a very strange and abrupt stop. really think you should re-work it. this piece deserves a good end, because the rest of it is truly great.
crit my new pieces??
#11
it's so rare to see you write anything i don't enjoy. this feels slight and reaching. the mishmash of sealife imagery feels so easy compared to the wonderfully intricate pictures you usually put together and the conclusion doesn't really hit me since it has so little momentum. you've undoubtedly written a million pieces that deserve to be wotw but this one didn't quite do it for me. still, congrats.