#1
Here's a new reggae-rock song I've written. Thanks for your time everyone.
C4C


Drinking by myself, it makes me feel so used.
But it numbs the pain, Lord; I’ve been abused.
All I want is to sing the blues.
Sometimes I can’t stop the thought,
That I’d be better off, better off,
Alone in the dark.


It’s here that I find myself,
Looking for a way out of this hell.
You know, a man can only take so much.
I think I’ve had enough.


Yeah I’ve done a little time, but I haven’t done a lot.
Life was going great, and then I got popped.
I rolled up my spliff, then got rolled up by the cops.
Busted with LSD, the first strike of three.
But I haven’t felt the pain without delight.
Just like the Vicks and fluorescent lights,
Empty bottles and forgotten nights.
I’m a sinner; I don’t know what’s right.


It’s here that I find myself,
Looking for a way out of this hell.
You know, a man can only take so much.
I think I’ve had enough.


Just give me one more hit.
And I feel it; I feel it take a hold over me.
Stand behind a horse too long, you might get kicked.
Last edited by Ramblin'_Man at Aug 12, 2010,
#2
that was really good but the up of beaten should be taken out of the second line if you wanna make it flow more but thats just opinion it's art and your choice
#4
Drinking by myself, it makes me feel so used. Though I've necer been one of a depressed drinker, drinking making people feel used doesn't sound right to me. But of course I've never drank myself numb so this opinion is ignorent bias. If it was me I'd try something more along the lines of Oh how I'm so confused
But it numbs the pain, Lord; I’ve been abused. Now the how "Lordy lord" thing is something frequently used in this story, but it seems so cliche that it's here.
All I want is to sing the blues.
Sometimes I can’t stop the thought,
That I’d would be better off, better off,
Alone in the dark.


It’s here that I find myself,
Looking for a way out of this hell.
You know, a man can only take so much.
I think I’ve had enough.
Even though the rhyme makes this seem repeatative, it still sounds really good. And I'm sure with some good music it would sound good enough

Yeah I’ve done a little time, but I haven’t done a lot.
Life was going great, and then I got popped.
I rolled up my spliff, then got rolled up by the cops.
Busted with LSD, the first strike of three.
But I haven’t felt the pain without delight.
Just like the Vicks and fluorescent lights,
Empty bottles and forgotten nights.
I’m a sinner; I don’t know what’s right.
Really good stanza here. Completely relatable. Good work


It’s here that I find myself,
Looking for a way out of this hell.
You know, a man can only take so much.
I think I’ve had enough.


Just give me one more hit.
And I feel it; I feel it take a hold over of me.
Stand behind a horse too long, you might get kicked.
Off subject, this last line reminded me of an old sailor's quote I grew up with (my father the sailor,) "A man who is not afraid of the sea will soon be drowned, he said, for he will be going out when he shouldn't. But we do be afraid of the sea and we do only be drowned now and again," by John Millington Synge. Which, in my opinion, completely fits the whole thing you're going for here.

Not bad. Sounds really good. The rhyme isn't too repeatative. The story's relatable. Could use a little more imagry Keep on Writing
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I am the 24 Wild Rovers
If You Wish to Give C4C Click on the Smlileys
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Last edited by 24WildRovers at Aug 12, 2010,
#5
i like this alot!!! really really good! nothing really to critique about
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I write poetry
And it sucks.
#6
i liked the peice, it was enjoyable. it seemed to flow very well. its a reggie rock song so i suppose the mention of a spliff is inevitable. my favourite part was
"I rolled up my spliff, then got rolled up by the cops."
i like the reapeated use of the word rolled and the double meaning.
Come listen to some of my songs:

My Music
#7
It was very well thought out and spectacular, I just got a little confused with the Vicks and Fluorescent lights part