this is my first attempt in ages if u critique then i will do the same with yours


This is my story,my struggle through life
24 years old and still living at home
oh how successful i have become
lets call it my quest,to have kids and a wife!

it started out promising back when i was young
youthful and cocky, so full of enthusiasm
then came the exam called life
Grow up fast or your in strife
becoming that person no one wants around
hidden out of sight and out of mind
spending my money on drink and drugs
did i ever dream of becoming a thug??

A dead end job and no prospects
**** me!! i even have to pay for sex!
it all seems to go down hill from here
how am i gonna get my thrills or kicks?
24/7, always outta my head,
gotta end this soon or wind up dead!

so this is the story of a 24 year old
living at home doing what he is told
staring at the bottom of my glass
hoping this is one exam i pass.
how did i become so hopeless?
how did i end up like this?

I'm changing my ways,things are gonna brighten up
buy a suit and i'll smarten up
just thinks off all the things that i could be
perhaps i should do a law degree?
Bachelor of laws sound good to me
so i'm gonna drag my ass to university

so i'll have a big house,wife,kids and a dog
ferraris outside right next to the porshe
please remember i'm still dreaming of course!
all i have is a hope and a wish
but **** knows how i'm gonna do this!

All i know is that if this wish don't come true
then thats it me and life are through!
I know they'll be refering to me
when you read my name in "obituaries"
i really like it!!"24/7, always outta my head, gotta end this soon or wind up dead!" would be my favourite line. and i can actually relate to it except for the 24 yrs old part and some other things ofourse my only critique would be changing the 2nd or the last line of first verse as the whole thing isnt flowing that well. and again its good, keep on writing
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I write poetry
And it sucks.
Hey dude. In a way I envy you because you're so in the hole, and you probably have a lot you can talk about. It's good to have stories to tell, and things to write poems about, you just need to approach them in the right way. Your focus is too large right now. "Life" is a large topic to tackle in one poem, but you can show these same emotions, longings, depressions, whatever, without speaking directly about them. You need to get into the details. Example: you pay for sex; that is great. Talk about what it's like being with a prostitute. Talk about what it's like to go and buy a suit. Being a scumbag and buying a suit is a poem. What store do you go to? How does the salesman greet you? How do you look and feel when you look in the mirror? You don't need to drop so much editorializing in so often.
hey thanks guys, yeah i agree it doesn't flow that well but that can be changed, i just wrote down how i was feeling at that moment as it came out although i did try to force it sometimes!

leaf whisperer i was maybe thinking of putting the 4th line of verse 1 as the 2nd line and vice versa, what do you think about that??

Jordan i never really thought about writing like that but i am gonna try as i didn't realise i was editorializing so often, Thanks for your input as i think that i can improve because of your suggestions!
yup putting 4th line as 2nd does sound better!! and i dont really agree with jordan so i would say write watever you feel like, even if its stupid
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I write poetry
And it sucks.
This almost sounds like a potential lyrics to an Eminem song.. though i can also see it with more guitar driven sound. One critique i would have is that a few of the ryhmes are either too common or unnecessary. for example "then came the exam called life//
Grow up fast or your in strife". i dont know it just didnt flow when i read it. Also on "spending my money on drink and drugs// did i ever dream of becoming a thug??" the last line i felt was unneccesary. It added nothing to the story of the song and i think the song would be great leaving that line without an ending rhyme.

C4C on any one of my songs?