#1
what do they look like, the faces that arent there?
do they scowl at you?
are they grinning at your fear?
can they smell the way your body aches when you try to jolt?
well these faces that are watching you -
from the folds of the curtains and sheets
and the shadows between the wall and the door
from the mirror in the darkness and
the small crack in the window -
these faces that are watching you
can see you writhe in fear
huddle under covers and
hide from your own mind.


what does it sound like, the yelling that isnt there?
did it tell you that you'll never be enough?
because you'll never be enough as long as you stay scared

you'll never be enough when you avoid your own stare.
Quote by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




e-married to
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minterman22
tateandlyle
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Last edited by vintage x metal at Aug 12, 2010,
#2
Quote by vintage x metal
]
what do it ? sound like, the yelling that isnt there?
did it tell you that you'll never be enough?
because you'll never be enough as long as you stay scared

you'll never be enough when you avoid your own stare.


I didn't like the amount of you's in this stanza it made me want to skim the stanza. I don't know how to go about fixing it but I'm just pointing it out.

Nice poem though, I took it as the faces in the dark were manifestations of your own self concious?
Last edited by dylanfromearth at Aug 12, 2010,
#3
Combined with my current mental state, this was jarring.
Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black
#4
I thought it was nice how you went with some of the body senses. Hearing, seeing, smelling. I was hoping you were going to go with possibly taste and touch as well. As it's all in your mind, I guess it wouldn't seem sensible to use taste though. I think this is one of your better ones recently. Although that could be because I relate to it more. I enjoyed it. Well done!
#5
A worthy topic, but I think it loses effect because of the delivery. You ask questions, then make definitive statements, with an authoritative voice. I didn't reach any conclusions of my own here. You told me what to think. Perhaps some will be receptive to this style. But for me, not-so-much.

It has an ominous feel to it, and it might benefit from elaborating more in the descriptions. But I fear that stating conclusions will still limit the impact.


Give me a read:
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1349789
I think you can guess who it was written for.
Meadows
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I release my inner liberal every morning when I take a shit.
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I wont be like those jerks who dedicate their beliefs to logic and reaosn.
#6
Quote by SomeoneYouKnew
A worthy topic, but I think it loses effect because of the delivery. You ask questions, then make definitive statements, with an authoritative voice. I didn't reach any conclusions of my own here. You told me what to think. Perhaps some will be receptive to this style. But for me, not-so-much.



This. The authoritative tone and the general delivery made me not care at all what you had to say. Like when a boss says, "And do you know what's wrong with your work ethic, Mr. Anderson?" It's not a question I'm supposed to ponder... I'm supposed to sit like a deer in the headlights and get broadsided by my boss who is ramming a broomstick in my ass to motivate me.

The problem here is... motivation isn't the point. You aren't speaking to me here, you're berating me with sticks and stones... and by the end all I feel like doing is encouraging you to get a bigger stick because this tiny one isn't doing the job... I'm not getting the message. Break this one over my head and then go get a tree-trunk, sister. Then you might go somewhere with this.
#7
hahahaha zach I'll just have a tickle fight which I will I will inevitably win


this is just me yelling at myself, hence the authoritative voice. it's supposed to portray the struggle of with oneself when you know you're being stupid and that you should change but you dont/cant so you're just frustrated and angry and not giving yourself options
so dont get angry with me, I didnt mean to blow up at you
Quote by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




e-married to
theguitarist
minterman22
tateandlyle
& alaskan_ninja

#9
the face is an old man wearing a hat, like a stetson.
i think you could maybe do something different with the first stanza. just have the first question and the lines 'huddle under covers and/hide from your own mind.' and something else in between and i might prefer that. as syk and zach said there's not as much room for thought as i think there should be.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!