#1
Gone Forever-

It started out
Where we would sit on the swings
Beside the school’s red brick wall
And laugh for hours, like nothing mattered at all.
It started out
Where you would smile, I would laugh
And everything was perfect,
No matter what happened,
We were the nonstop upward line on a graph.

You shared your stories and I shared mine
About everything we ever could think of, we even made up stupid signs.
You never cared what anyone judged you by,
Or classified you with.
But one day, this person decided to
Just walk out the door.
This person permanently said goodbye.
Out of all the people I know,
I never thought you were the one
Who would make me cry.


I cant even start to explain how I feel
Because the person I thought you were, they apparently arent real
anymore.

Who do you think you are?
Some huge celebrity superstar?
Why do you think you’re better than me
If theres nothing that defines what you are to me
anymore?
I just have to let go,
people change,
lets just end this on going war.
#2
wow, i like this piece a lot it has a really good ending, i like the way you started asking questions. it really helped the mood of the lyric.
i don't i know if you want to hear this but.... this reminds me of the song called "When She Loved Me" by Sarah McLachlan... don't get me wrong its a damn good song.
this is the part that reminded me of it... so if you dont want people to thing of toy story, change it, even though the lines a just right..
Where you would smile, I would laugh
And everything was perfect,
No matter what happened,

its great, i like it.
8/10
C4C?
#3
Quote by GNRjungle87
Gone Forever-

It started out
Where we would sit on the swings
Beside the school’s red brick wall
And laugh for hours, like nothing mattered at all.
It started out
Where you would smile, I would laugh <-good imagery in this verse, very relatable
And everything was perfect,
No matter what happened,
We were the nonstop upward line on a graph. <-not my favorite line

You shared your stories and I shared mine
About everything we ever could think of, we even made up stupid signs.
You never cared what anyone judged you by,
Or classified you with.
But one day, this person decided to
Just walk out the door.
This person permanently said goodbye. <-sounds awkward
Out of all the people I know,
I never thought you were the one
Who would make me cry. <-this verse comes off as a little cliche, but it's not bad


I cant even start to explain how I feel
You're not the person I thought <-that verse came out a little awkward for me when I
Apparently good people aren't real read it, you could try something like this if you like

Who do you think you are?
Some huge celebrity superstar? <-you should try different word rather than huge, imo
Why do you think you’re better than me
If theres nothing that defines what you are to me
anymore? <-this line^ is a little wordy
I just have to let go,
people change,
lets just end this on going war.



Good work, it could be tightened up in a few places, but I enjoyed reading it. Please crit one of mine when you have a chance