#1
Her shoes gripped the dirt floor
As her body trembled and shook
Entranced in her ghost dance
While the needle skipped and the record turned

My eyes fluttered;
In the company of seven white wolves
And under the dusty projection
of the stars as they watched passing cars
Swerve into the loneliest of evenings
To fall asleep in musty beds filled by one
Falling apart like fathers and sons

Will I never feel the warmth of your touch as I dream?

So goodbye to sleep
Time to kiss the asphalt asphyxia
Back in the car for one last spin
Through endless winding streets
Watching the sun rise on the suburbs once again

Sick of never knowing a lover’s kiss
Or the warmth of your touch as I dream
I’m so in lust with you
So take off those shoes baby
It’s time to dance



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My first piece, I hope it's alright - all I've done for the past couple days is play COD high and my mind isn't all here.

C4C bros
Quote by Kozlic
Music doesnt need to be quality to be good.


Press eject, give me the tape, if you know what's good for you
#2
I thought it was really good. The imagery is excellent. I really like the last stanza, it flows well and has some great lines. Such as "I'm so in lust with you". Altogether it is really good. Good job
MIM Tele
Fender Blues Jr NOS
Schecter Omen 6
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Greg Bennett Acoustic
other crap...
If seeing is believing...

...Then believe that we have lost our eyes!!
#3
Very good It reminded me of Cage the Elephant lyrics. (If you don't know who they are, its a complimant)
#4
Thanks guys I've only heard one Cage the Elephant song but I'll be sure to check more out!
Quote by Kozlic
Music doesnt need to be quality to be good.


Press eject, give me the tape, if you know what's good for you
#5
It's has imagery but it doesn't really rhyme. I would at least try throw a few in to make it flow better.
"Music became a healer for me. And I learned to listen with all my being. I found that it could wipe away all the emotions of fear and confusion relating to my family." Eric Clapton
#6
That's a fair point - I've always struggled with writing rhymes though without it seeming forced or cliche.
Quote by Kozlic
Music doesnt need to be quality to be good.


Press eject, give me the tape, if you know what's good for you