#1
Air around me feels like a cage.
Choking, constricting, pushing.
Too much pressure.

I can't feel. I can't care.
Nothing lives around me.
Walls closing in,
Roof pushing down,
World falling around me.
Could this be the end?
No.
Just the start,
of a long year.

C4C please and thank you
Last edited by Caboose911 at Aug 13, 2010,
#2
Quote by Caboose911
Air around me feels like a cage.
Choking, constricting, pushing.
Too much pressure.

I can't feel. I can't care.
Nothing lives around me.
Walls closing in,
Roof pushing down,
World falling around me.
Could this be the end?
No.
Just the start,
of a long year.

C4C please and thank you


Do you like linkin park? Cuz both of these lines , Too much pressure. and Walls closing in,
are in a linkin park song anyway, some words are a bit overused and cliché. Air around me feels like a cage, was a cool line C4C? Mine is called My Restrain.
#3
Quote by Mackan1994
Do you like linkin park? Cuz both of these lines , Too much pressure. and Walls closing in,
are in a linkin park song anyway, some words are a bit overused and cliché. Air around me feels like a cage, was a cool line C4C? Mine is called My Restrain.

actually yeah! i used to love linkin park. havnt listened to them in awhile. what song are they in? is it hit the floor?
and yeah, i will
#4
Well I honestly think you've lost your touch a little. It seems a little to forced in the wording. Just go outside and take a deep breathe before trying again Keep on Writing


Quote by Mackan1994
Do you like linkin park? Cuz both of these lines , Too much pressure. and Walls closing in,
are in a linkin park song anyway, some words are a bit overused and cliché. Air around me feels like a cage, was a cool line C4C? Mine is called My Restrain.

Well there's actually a quote I heard when I was young... "Nothing is said that has not been said before." by Terence. And that was said almost 200 years before the time of christ. So he actually might have thought of those lines without hearing Linkin Park (though I'm not saying for him whether he really has or not.)

Also leaving a link to the piece of work is most appreciative, just for future reference.
Comments or Suggestions
Omit or Change
Suggested Changes


I am the 24 Wild Rovers
If You Wish to Give C4C Click on the Smlileys
:
#5
Quote by 24WildRovers
Well I honestly think you've lost your touch a little. It seems a little to forced in the wording. Just go outside and take a deep breathe before trying again Keep on Writing


Well there's actually a quote I heard when I was young... "Nothing is said that has not been said before." by Terence. And that was said almost 200 years before the time of christ. So he actually might have thought of those lines without hearing Linkin Park (though I'm not saying for him whether he really has or not.)

Also leaving a link to the piece of work is most appreciative, just for future reference.


yeah man, i just kind of typed this out in a span of 5 minutes, its really rough.
its jaded i mean, havent tried expanding on it yet, but im planning on it
ill post the finished version when im done.
#6
Gives a nice feelin of numbness n frustration but too cliche n lacks flow definately not one of yr best maybe expand it,use more exotic wrds define deeper feelings...
#7
Just on the read I don't like it very much. But I believe it could be pulled off nicely with two vocalists. One harmonic and one more fast rough-ish. anyway. Rate some of my other stuff? c4c of course! 6/10 for lyrics
#8
Quote by PurpleBear102
Just on the read I don't like it very much. But I believe it could be pulled off nicely with two vocalists. One harmonic and one more fast rough-ish. anyway. Rate some of my other stuff? c4c of course! 6/10 for lyrics


actually thats what I was thinking its not my best work, and im not continuing work with it. but it was a decent idea for the time being.
either way thanks for the crit
#9
I quite like this actually, especially the last couple of lines. Perhaps make it a bit longer to flesh it out? And yeah, picking up a Linkin Park-ish vibe too