#1
HEY again UG , my band made a new song that's instrumental so far.. But the verses are sung very quickly and it's got 3 verses so it's pretty long.. :P
It's basically about not being able to sleep and it was quite hard to write stuff bout this topic.. The chorus isn't written by me, but the rest is.
Thanks!

Verse 1

It's all quiet around me.
I am the only one awake.
My heart keeps pumping faster.
The silence has to break.

If you could only help me.
Still not, able to slow down.
My clock keeps ticking faster.
To this I am bound.

Prechorus :

I want it to stop.
I can't make it stop.
I would break it if I could, I'm not sure you would.

Verse 2 :

What could happen to me if,
I chose a different path.
Each time I need your words.
All you do is laugh.

I'd like my head to be colder.
My mind is spinning around.
The night keeps going further.
Just make the smallet sound.

Prechorus again,

Chorus :

I need to get back, to my own world.
Longing for my dreams although they're out of reach.
This silence has to break. It's keeping me awake.
Keep putting up a fight. Someone take out my light.

Verse 3 : (IDK how i like this one :P )

Everytime I try to lay down.
My thoughts won't go away.
Have to get rid of them.
But how? You won't say.

I can't just run.
It has to be done.
I can't just run.
It has to be done.


What do you think? You are the pros ..
#2
Well I call myself far from the pros, but I'll give it my best. Just remember I critique on first read and all suggestions are just "top of the head" ideas and you don't even have to read. I mainly just do it so you can kind of get an idea where to get some more ideas ("two head are better than one" type of thinking)

It's all quiet around me.
I am the only one awake.
My heart keeps pumping faster.
The silence has to break.
Now the intruduction stanza usually should have the most imagry. Also in poetry you can extremefy to express some imagry and that is most acceptable. You could even try something like
Oh I'm disconsolate
As I lay in this void
My hearts thrashing faster
All serenity destroyed


If you could only help me.
Still not, able to slow down.
My clock keeps ticking faster.
To this I am bound.

Prechorus :

I want it to stop.
I can't make it stop.
I would break it if I could, Here you could start a new line
I'm not sure you would.

Verse 2 :

What could happen to me if,
I chose a different path.
Each time I need your words. Instead of these last two lines (because they seem a littl out of place,) try something that continues the idea that you had going in the first two lines. In fact when it comes musically, you could almost make this verse differently, just because you could make this a "random thought" that always seem to keep people awake
All you do is laugh.

I'd like my head to be colder.
My mind is spinning around.
The night keeps going further.
Just make the smallet sound.

Prechorus again,

Chorus :

I need to get back, to my own world.
Longing for my dreams although they're out of reach.
This silence has to break. It's keeping me awake.
Keep putting up a fight.Eh, I don't know where the fighting started Someone take out my light.


Verse 3 : (IDK how i like this one :P )

Everytime I try to lay down.
My thoughts won't go away.
Have to get rid of them.
But how? You won't say.

I can't just run.
It has to be done.
I can't just run.
It has to be done.

Insomnia is a real trouble a lot of people have trouble with. So this is relatable, though a little cliche. It sounds all right to me. And I'm sure the music that goes with it makes it sound that much better Keep on Writing
Comments or Suggestions
Omit or Change
Suggested Changes


I am the 24 Wild Rovers
If You Wish to Give C4C Click on the Smlileys
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#3
Thanks man! well i didn't write the chorus, but i think the fight part was bout battling the insomnia or something XD but if it sounds way out of place, ill change it.
#5
Quote by Caboose911
i really like this lyric! now one thing i would say, is that you should play the chorus again after verse three. just seems to fit perfectly
love it bro, 9/10
C4C?


Thanks alot! Well yeah we do play it after verse 3 :P Then comes a heavy breakdown ill look at urs!