#1
We were carbon copies,
Now your mouth translates words into lies
Stinging softly,
They try to scream but no one hears their cry
Your chalkboard face,
Waiting for someone to draw a smile
In the Garden of Eden,
You shouldn't have talked to the reptile

So sit back, relapse
It's stagnant all around you.
Hold on real tight
'Till Earth and sky are see-through
Skin graft burns, is how you learn
To look for the source
And wrap it all around
So sit back, relapse
Remove the shroud.
#2
Quote by I Have no Soul
We were carbon copies,
Now your mouth translates words into lies
Stinging softly, <-I don't know how I feel about this and the "carbon copies" lines
They try to scream but no one hears their cry
Your chalkboard face,
Waiting for someone to draw a smile
In the Garden of Eden, <-the rest of the verse is really great!
You shouldn't have talked to the reptile

So sit back, relapse <-nice! "relapse" rather than "relax"
It's stagnant all around you.
Hold on real tight
'Till Earth and sky are see-through
Skin graft burns, is how you learn
To look for the source<-
And wrap it all around <-doesn't really make sense to me
So sit back, relapse
Remove the shroud. <-the is kind of cliche, imo


Well done, I really like the ending of the first stanza. Good work, keep on writing
#3
^^ if it wouldn't be too much to ask, do you think you could give me some alternatives to the parts you thought were spotty?