Ramblin'_Man
UG's Reggae fanatic
Join date: Feb 2007
110 IQ
#1
Here's a bluesy acoustic song I wrote yesterday. C4C


Sometimes I just want to set the world on fire,
Sometimes I want to set the whole world aflame


When I pay my taxes, when I fail my classes,
When I don’t pass the test

When I’ve lost my motivation, because of self deprivation,
When I can’t find a job

When I owe the court, because of my criminal report
My P.O. called I got to meet him, in downtown Waukegan.
When Uncle Sam’s on my back


Sometimes I just want to set the world on fire,
Sometimes I want to set the whole world aflame


When I’m all alone, with no girl to call my own
When I’m sexually frustrated

When the bills pile up, and my credit’s a bust
When I don’t got a bed of my own


Sometimes I just want to set the world on fire,
Sometimes I want to set the whole world aflame
When life’s not going your way, just set the world a blaze.
SomeoneYouKnew
UG God
Join date: Feb 2007
190 IQ
#2
Sometimes I just want to set the world on fire,
Sometimes I want to set the whole world aflame
There is a medium amount of repetition from the first line into the second.
Medium is BAD. Medium is weak.
It would be stronger is you kept the second line identical until the last word.
Or go a different way, completely.
"And watch it all go up in flames" or smth.


When I pay my taxes, when I fail my classes,
When I don’t pass the test

When I’ve lost my motivation, because of self deprivation,
"because" hurts more than it helps. Both here and in the next section.
consider spinning this a different way.

When I can’t find a job

When I owe the court, because of my criminal report
My P.O. called I got to meet him, in downtown Waukegan.
When Uncle Sam’s on my back


Sometimes I just want to set the world on fire,
Sometimes I want to set the whole world aflame


When I’m all alone, with no girl to call my own
When I’m sexually frustrated
Ya mean when your hormones moan? lol

When the bills pile up, and my credit’s a bust
When I don’t got a bed of my own


Sometimes I just want to set the world on fire,
Sometimes I want to set the whole world aflame
When life’s not going your way, just set the world a blaze.


It's kinda angsty, but imho that's not really enough.
I'd like to see more descriptive imagery and/or a hook.



https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1349789
Meadows
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Ramblin'_Man
UG's Reggae fanatic
Join date: Feb 2007
110 IQ
#3
Thanks for your help. I'm tired, but I'll crit yours tomorrow. I see what you're saying about those "becauses", but I have found something that I like better yet.


Sometimes I just want to set the world on fire,
Sometimes I want to see the skies in flames


When I pay my taxes, when I fail my classes,
When I don’t pass the test

When I’ve lost my motivation, because of self deprivation,
When I can’t find a job

When I owe the court, because of my criminal report
My P.O. called I got to meet him, in downtown Waukegan.
When Uncle Sam’s on my back


Sometimes I just want to set the world on fire,
Sometimes I want to see the skies in flames


When I’m all alone, with no girl to call my own
When I’m sexually frustrated

When the bills pile up, and my credit’s a bust
When I don’t got a bed of my own


Sometimes I just want to set the world on fire,
Sometimes I want to see the skies in flames


When I mumble every night, cigarette burn on my thigh
When I just fall asleep

When I can’t read the Gospel, never seen a miracle
When God won’t talk to me


Sometimes I just want to set the world on fire,
Sometimes I want to see the skies in flames
When life’s not going your way, just set the world a blaze.
Last edited by Ramblin'_Man at Aug 15, 2010,