#1
please crit i always C4C.

NEWEST VERSION:

Now this is just another story,
Of a man dying in love.
But who could say I’m crazy?
Only the whitest of doves...

Right now I’m just questionin’
The times when we were on course.
I fell into love, but also in,
To some sick kind of curse...

Baby, can you hear me?
Right now I’m callin’ for you.
Baby, are you listenin?
Listen like you used to do...

You left me so long ago,
But it feels just like you’re here.
Time’s been movin’ so slow,
Since you created my worst fear...

I’m goin to find my true love,
My heart can’t bear the pain,
I had her so damn long ago,
I feel I’m bound in chains...

she threw her arms around me..
said babe, I love you still..
I guess I’m on my way back..
straight to Louisville...

I’ll never forget our first kiss,
Right outside the park,
I almost thought I was gonna miss,
But I was right on the mark...

She kissed me so lovingly,
twas’ the best moment of my life,
I’ve missed her so much lately,
It’s my eternal strife...

For you to be my wife,
It would be so very hard.
To love someone from the afterlife,
It will just leave you so scarred.

Look, I know you miss me,
And I know you always will.
We will always have something special,
In the heart of Louisville...


Lemme know what you think
:EDIT: Newest revision added.

FIRST DRAFT:


Now this is just another story,
Of a man dying in love.
But who could say I’m crazy?
Only the whitest of doves...

Right now I’m just questionin’
The times when we were on course.
I fell into love, but also in,
To some sick kind of curse...

Baby, can you hear me?
Right now I’m callin’ for you.
Baby, are you listenin?
Listen like you used to do...

You moved away so long ago,
But it feels just like you’re here.
Time’s have been movin’ slow,
Sinice you drank your last beer...

I’m goin to find my love,
The one and only first,
I had her so damn long ago,
I think I may have been cursed...

she threw her arms around me..
said babe, I love you still..
I guess I’m gonna get on my way back..
straight back to Louisville...

I’ll never forget our first kiss,
Straight outside the park,
I almost thought I was gonna miss,
But I was right on the mark...

She kissed me so lovingly,
t'was the best moment of my life,
been missin' her so much lately,
I wish she was my wife...

For you to be my wife,
It would be so very hard.
To love someone from the afterlife,
It will just have you so scarred.

Look, I know you miss me,
And I know you love me still,
We will always have something special,
In the heart of Louisville...
Last edited by Caboose911 at Aug 16, 2010,
#2
Quote by Caboose911
Just wrote this, took me about a half-hour. i would say its okay but its not quite perfect... its still a rough draft.
please crit i always C4C.

Now this is just another story,
Of a man dying in love.
But who could say I’m crazy?
Only the whitest of doves...
(I think dove and love are over used a lot but that is just me.)

Right now I’m just questionin’
The times when we were on course.
I fell into love, but also in,
To some sick kind of curse...

Baby, can you hear me?
Right now I’m callin’ for you.
Baby, are you listenin?
Listen like you used to do...
(I would take the Baby part out)
You moved away so long ago,
But it feels just like you’re here.
Time’s have been movin’ slow,
Sinice you drank your last beer...
^^I need something else for this line!!! suggestions?
(How about this, Time has been moving slow, since you created my worst fear.)
I’m goin to find my love,
The one and only first,
I had her so damn long ago,
I think I may have been cursed...

she threw her arms around me..
said babe, I love you still..
I guess I’m gonna get on my way back..
straight back to Louisville...

I’ll never forget our first kiss,
Straight outside the park,
I almost thought I was gonna miss,
But I was right on the mark...

She kissed me so lovingly,
t'was the best moment of my life,
been missin' her so much lately,
I wish she was my wife...

For you to be my wife,
It would be so very hard.
To love someone from the afterlife,
It will just have you so scarred.

Look, I know you miss me,
And I know you love me still,
We will always have something special,
In the heart of Louisville...


Lemme know what you think

I added my crit and suggestions in bold.
"Music became a healer for me. And I learned to listen with all my being. I found that it could wipe away all the emotions of fear and confusion relating to my family." Eric Clapton
#4
Damnit Caboose, I just finished writing a song called 'Remember Me' too. However, your's is much more metaphorical and creative, so I think I'm just gonna scrap my idea. Nice work!
#5
Quote by philmalone666
Damnit Caboose, I just finished writing a song called 'Remember Me' too. However, your's is much more metaphorical and creative, so I think I'm just gonna scrap my idea. Nice work!


lmao, don't scrap it just send a different name its way :P but yeah i like it but it doesnt have a chorus
#6
I can't rename it! The whole song revolves around that name. I think I'll just post it anyway, it's really quite a different style than yours. Sort of a Lamb of God/A Day to Remmber combination, if you can imagine that.
#7
Quote by Caboose911
Just wrote this, took me about a half-hour. i would say its okay but its not quite perfect... its still a rough draft.
please crit i always C4C.

Now this is just another story,
Of a man dying in love.
But who could say I’m crazy?
Only the whitest of doves...
last line doesn't fit

Right now I’m just questionin’
The times when we were on course.
'on course' is phrased oddly
I fell into love, but also in,
To some sick kind of curse...
i don't think 'falling into a curse' is quite smooth enough but it's not a big issue

Baby, can you hear me?
Right now I’m callin’ for you.
Baby, are you listenin?
Listen like you used to do...

You moved away so long ago,
this line feels clunky, phrased like it was forced
But it feels just like you’re here.
if you're missing her, no it doesn't
Time’s have been movin’ slow,
'time's been'
Sinice you drank your last beer...
i won't suggest an alternative line, it's your piece, but do think of something
^^I need something else for this line!!! suggestions?

I’m goin to find my love,
The one and only first,
change phrasing maybe? feels forced in the context
I had her so damn long ago,
I think I may have been cursed...
I'd think of something else for this line - you've already mentioned that you think you've been cursed and it also feels forced

she threw her arms around me..
said babe, I love you still..
again, the phrasing's odd, I doubt she would've said that...
I guess I’m gonna get on my way back..
straight back to Louisville...
I have a pet hate against rhyming names but it's okay

I’ll never forget our first kiss,
Straight outside the park,
'right outside' might work better?
I almost thought I was gonna miss,
But I was right on the mark...
bit odd but okay

She kissed me so lovingly,
t'was the best moment of my life,
't'was' is just bizzare to me, but hey, if that's how people talk where you are, cool
been missin' her so much lately,
I wish she was my wife...
bit forced but not awful

For you to be my wife,
It would be so very hard.
To love someone from the afterlife,
It will just have you so scarred.
I think this verse needs rephrasing, I'm sure it can be said more naturally

Look, I know you miss me,
And I know you love me still,
again with the 'love ... still'
We will always have something special,
In the heart of Louisville...


Lemme know what you think


It's okay, but it would be improved with editing. Maybe have a go at editing yourself before posting a few days after writing something, it usually improves a piece a lot.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#11
Now this is just another story,
Of a man dying in love.
But who could say I’m crazy?
Only the whitest of doves...
Kind of a strange intro. Maybe you could do something more about the image of him dying or the pureity of the doves. Just a thought

Right now I’m just questionin’
The times when we were on course.
I fell into love, but also in, Really this doesn't sound all that great, but I can't think how how to fix it, or even what's really wrong with it. It just doesn't seem righ to me
To some sick kind of curse... Now this doesn't flow well at all, try something a little more Into this maleficent curse

Baby, can you hear me?
Right now I’m callin’ for you.
Baby, are you listenin?
Listen like you used to do...
Very good

You left me so long ago,
But it feels just like you’re here.
Time’s been movin’ so slow,
Since you created my worst fear...
These last two are very good

I’m goin to find my true love,
My heart can’t bear the pain,
I had her so damn long ago,
I feel I’m bound in chains...
Nice continuation of this love story

she threw her arms around me..
said babe, I love you still..
I guess I’m on my way back.. Now these last two don't really have that much wrong with them, they just don't seem your style. Here you should talk about the magnificent happiness you have (or at least that's what I more imagine you writing.)
straight to Louisville...

I’ll never forget our first kiss,
Right outside the park,
I almost thought I was gonna miss,
But I was right on the mark...
Ooh, :p I like this

She kissed me so lovingly,
twas’ the best moment of my life,
I’ve missed her so much lately,
It’s my eternal strife...

For you to be my wife,
It would be so very hard.
To love someone from the afterlife, Eh, I don't know about the afterlife. And the afterlife hasn't happened for you yet (least not that I know of,) to christians we've only been in the prelife and life, to buddhist we have only lived. Really you should think more about the present. The only people I really know to talk about the real future are the Buddhists, other than that, you should keep close. That's at least what everyone I know thinks about. Though this is your work, so if you want to surpass everyone and think ahead, go ahead, I'm not stopping
It will just leave you so scarred. Ok, well I can kind of see what your getting at in these last two lines. But still, they could either use a re-write/re-word or change it to the present

Look, I know you miss me,
And I know you always will.
We will always have something special,
In the heart of Louisville... Well this is where that random "Louisville came from... Well this last stanza is really a stanza that has already been said, and should only be said without beeing said (if that makes any sense.) So either clearify the earlier Louisville and omit this stanza, or re-write, without saying what shouldn't be said.

Really for a love story, it's not the most cliche I've read. Though I've never reall liked love poems. In fact a little while back I read a poem by someone (can't remember whom at the moment) saying something along the lines of...

I told her I loved her/She said it was far too cliche/For a poet to love//So I went back to tmy writing pad/And re-wrote my feelings/For us poets can change our feelings/With just a flick of the pen//"What's the matter," she said/"Don't you love me anymore,"/"No" I replied, "That's far too cliche for a poet like me."

Good work Keep on Writing
Comments or Suggestions
Omit or Change
Suggested Changes


I am the 24 Wild Rovers
If You Wish to Give C4C Click on the Smlileys
:
#12
i like the changes!! and just incase you're looking for a rhyming word for 'love' there is 'tough' since dove is too common i like it alot keep on writing
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I write poetry
And it sucks.
#14
I’ll never forget our first kiss,
Right outside the park,
I almost thought I was gonna miss,
But I was right on the mark...


I thought that was a fantastic stanza right there. Love songs are always the hardest to write without using some shape or form of a cliche. Of course you used some with the "love" and "dove" and other parts, but it all had a very nice flow to it.

I personally liked the louisville lines, everyone likes hearing some form of a town in a song. Gives a place to think of, whether negative or not.

All in all, I don't think it's the best I've seen you do, but like I said, these are the hardest songs to write without getting overdrawn on the emotions and cliches. Definately something to work on and progress with. There's some gems in there so just keep perfecting it. btw, thanks for the crit. I wouldn't consider it a bump if you enjoyed it and felt like saying so. I just haven't had time to do a lot of crits this week, so I'm trying to catch up.
#15
Quote by Partyboy2k05
I’ll never forget our first kiss,
Right outside the park,
I almost thought I was gonna miss,
But I was right on the mark...


I thought that was a fantastic stanza right there. Love songs are always the hardest to write without using some shape or form of a cliche. Of course you used some with the "love" and "dove" and other parts, but it all had a very nice flow to it.

I personally liked the louisville lines, everyone likes hearing some form of a town in a song. Gives a place to think of, whether negative or not.

All in all, I don't think it's the best I've seen you do, but like I said, these are the hardest songs to write without getting overdrawn on the emotions and cliches. Definately something to work on and progress with. There's some gems in there so just keep perfecting it. btw, thanks for the crit. I wouldn't consider it a bump if you enjoyed it and felt like saying so. I just haven't had time to do a lot of crits this week, so I'm trying to catch up.


thanks man i tried soo hard to make it not incredibly cliche. its really hard tho.
i still have to re-work the first stanza, its not quite there yet.
either way, thanks man
#16
Now this is just another story,
Of a man dying in love.
But who could say I’m crazy?
Only the whitest of doves...

A nice introduction, setting the tone from the off. The rhyming couplets aren't the most original but they seem to fit well.

Right now I’m just questionin’
The times when we were on course.
I fell into love, but also in,
To some sick kind of curse...

The use of course/curse seems slightly forced and the flow of the lines seems a bit offset as a result

Baby, can you hear me?
Right now I’m callin’ for you.
Baby, are you listenin?
Listen like you used to do...

Yes. Sometimes simplicity is the best way and this is spot on. Tells the story exactly as it should be. Very good

You left me so long ago,
But it feels just like you’re here.
Time’s been movin’ so slow,
Since you created my worst fear...

I’m goin to find my true love,
My heart can’t bear the pain,
I had her so damn long ago,
I feel I’m bound in chains...

she threw her arms around me..
said babe, I love you still..
I guess I’m on my way back..
straight to Louisville...

I’ll never forget our first kiss,
Right outside the park,
I almost thought I was gonna miss,
But I was right on the mark...

She kissed me so lovingly,
twas’ the best moment of my life,
I’ve missed her so much lately,
It’s my eternal strife...

For you to be my wife,
It would be so very hard.
To love someone from the afterlife,
It will just leave you so scarred.

Look, I know you miss me,
And I know you always will.
We will always have something special,
In the heart of Louisville...

On the whole, this is a nice piece. The clear and concise approach is well taken and thought through well. The approach of rhyming ABAB can get somewhat repetitive and doesn't always leave a lot of space for you to express yourself with different words and sounds, so possibly branch out from that in your next piece. On the whole though, I enjoyed it. Keep it up!
"What about the neighbours?? What they gonna say?? Stop little sister getting carried away" - SRV. The greatest guitarist of all time.
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Evvo_gc_fan is supercalifragilisticexpialidocious.


Quote by ScarredFaith

I liked it.
Is it about fucking?
#17
Quote by evvo_gc_fan

On the whole, this is a nice piece. The clear and concise approach is well taken and thought through well. The approach of rhyming ABAB can get somewhat repetitive and doesn't always leave a lot of space for you to express yourself with different words and sounds, so possibly branch out from that in your next piece. On the whole though, I enjoyed it. Keep it up!

Thanks man maybe you check out my other pieces? I don't consider this my best in any way thanks, you got a piece you would like me to crit?