#1
What do you guys think? I was going for kind of a self help, accept ahelping hand, song. I think its kind of catchy.

I am looking for input before I majorly change anything.


Scream tonight, Its all going to be over

You scream in fright, Yet nobody hears you


Tears stream down, Your cheeks slowly

You hope it’s a dream, That you will wake from


Scream outloud, Yell for heaven and hell

As if your in a large crowd, That over powers you


You cower in fear, Like a nothing can

Come near you, But it will, eventually


So please take time, Whether you want to scream

Or whether its just to high stakes, For you to yell out for a hand


Scream outloud, Yell for heaven and hell

As if your in a large crowd, That over powers you


Seems to me, You act like your

1000 feet, stuck in a tree, Where nobody can reach you


Lets not get our hands bloody, With these messy details

We will just have to study, Our mistakes and flaws


And I'll

Scream out loud, Yell for heaven and hell

As if we're in a large crowd, That overpowers us


And if I'm knocked down, I will get up

Without a frown, On my face
#2
I thought it was alright. I didn't really understand it as a whole, but I liked the lines
Scream outloud, Yell for heaven and hell

As if your in a large crowd, That over powers you


Seems to me, You act like your

1000 feet, stuck in a tree, Where nobody can reach you

C4C?
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#3
Quote by stubbs
What do you guys think? I was going for kind of a self help, accept ahelping hand, song. I think its kind of catchy.

I am looking for input before I majorly change anything.


Scream tonight, Its all going to be over

You scream in fright, Yet nobody hears you


Tears stream down, Your cheeks slowly

You hope it’s a dream, That you will wake from


Scream out loud, Yell for heaven and hell

As if your in a large crowd, That over powers you
I'm not really sure about the flow of the second part. Maybe revise it a little?


You cower in fear, Like a nothing can

Come near you, But it will, eventually
"Like a nothing" doesn't really make sense from my perspective.


So please take time, Whether you want to scream

Or whether its just to high stakes, For you to yell out for a hand
I also don't like the flow of this line. Maybe change it to "Or if the stakes are too high"?


Scream out loud, Yell for heaven and hell

As if your in a large crowd, That over powers you
Same as above, but maybe it's just the way I'm reading it.


Seems to me, You act like you're

1000 feet, stuck in a tree, Where nobody can reach you


Let's not get our hands bloody, With these messy details

We will just have to study, Our mistakes and flaws
I really liked these lines


And I'll

Scream out loud, Yell for heaven and hell

As if we're in a large crowd, That overpowers us


And if I'm knocked down, I will get up

Without a frown, On my face

Overall I think it's pretty good, it just needs some going over
#4
Honestly, this was way to cliche, try using some metaphors in your writing. Everything I read here has been done.
Quote by herby190
When I saw that, I thought of musical notes.... my elementary school teachers taught them as "tee-tees" "ta-tas" and a bunch of other nonsense....