#1
Just wrote this in like twenty minutes, would quite like feedback on it.


There you were,
Standing there,
So oblivious to all around
You didn't notice me staring

You were like no other I had ever seen
So beautiful
I thought I beheld an angel
Though, of course that couldn't be true

[chorus]
This is just another love story
One you see in Hollywood films
Just listen to how it ends

I got to know you better over the next few months
You were the sweetest girl I had ever met
I wish I could get the courage to express myself to you
But I guess I just want it to much

[chorus]

I finally worked up the courage to get your number
We talked every day for months
I fell deeper and deeper in love with you every day
Could you make it last?

[chorus]
[solo/s]
[chorus]

We finally went out
Though just as friends
I wanted so much just to hold you
Though I was too scared to

[chorus]

Finally I expressed my feelings for you
You said you didn't like me that
Same I've gotten from every other girl
Though I never felt the way I did with you

My heart shatters into billions of pieces
I never want to love again
I wish we could stay friends
Though it can't happen.

This is just another love story
One you see in Hollywood films
Didn't end how you wanted it to
Did it?


Constructive criticism would be much appreciated. Thank-you.
Last edited by robhc at Aug 15, 2010,
#2
There you were,
Standing there,
So oblivious to all around This doesn't seem to flow right to me (and I think you have a omit typo.) But try something more like Your head is so eyeless
You didn't notice me staring

You were like no other I had ever seen
So beautiful
I thought I beheld an angel
Though, of course that couldn't be true Change this line. When love-struck, some people really honestly believe they see/talk to angels. If anything you should personify or vivify the image of an angel. (Having some knowledge of the Christian angels,) use the words Marvelous or Wonder. To most christians (That know a thing or two about thier own religion,) knows that those two words are very important when talking about angelic people (or people in general.) You could even try something like A brilliant figure of wonder or something

[chorus]
This is just another love story
One you see in Hollywood films
Just listen to how it ends

I got to know you better over the next the last few months Wrong tense
You were the sweetest girl I had ever met
I wish I could get the courage to express myself to you
But I guess I just want it to much
The last line was the worst in my oppinion, but this whole stanza you could either omit or completely re-write. Your border line cliche story had just got more cliche with this stanza

I finally worked up the courage to get your number
We talked every day for months
I fell deeper and deeper in love with you every day The two "days" sound too close in my opinion
Could you make it last?
Another one that could use good imagry at the very least. The story need this stanza though so you'll have to rewrite if you want it any better

We finally went out
Though just as friends
I wanted so much just to hold you
Though I was too scared to
Need images

Finally I expressed my feelings for you
You said you didn't like me that
Same I've gotten from every other girl
Though I never felt the way I did with you

Omit

My heart shatters into billions of pieces
I never want to love again
I wish we could stay friends
Though it can't happen.
Rewrite with images and the event of the story from the previous stanza

This is just another love story
One you see in Hollywood films
Didn't end how you wanted it to
Did it?
Nice twist in the story though

I know I really pushed the imagry thing, but you have to if your going to be cliche. Everyone has heard a million poems/songs exactly like this. Just scrap this one for now. Talk a good walk around the neighborhood. And imagine your trying to explain the whole place to a blind man. Try to use as much imagry as you can. Use a very discriptive vocabulary. Then, and only then can you even begin to imagine what importance images.

Now don't take this as an evil, cruel or sinister critique. I've read lots of these cliche poems and I want to give you an idea how to take a step beyond all of them Keep on Writing
Comments or Suggestions
Omit or Change
Suggested Changes


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#3
i like the original version you wrote, but 24wildrovers did have some good stuff to say and rovers id appreciate it if you critiqued some stuff i wrote lol
#4
Well, it's not bad. I was never a vivid fan of the cliché love-stories, but you write good, and you get a general story going, which (in my opinion) is good. I'd change some of the stanzas (which 24WildRovers over me already pointed out) and change some things, but other than that I'd say its quite well written. GJ!
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#5
Thanks for the input guys. I was sorta aiming for the cliche thing TBH, which is why it is so cliched. I also wasn't actually planning to ever use it for anything, I only wrote to help sort some thoughts etc out, but it's still nice to get some feedback for when I do decide to write something I want to use.

Thanks again
#6
Quote by robhc
I only wrote to help sort some thoughts etc out

Truelly that's what these poems are for use. They help us get through the day, whether your girl just left you, or your dog just died, we need something to help us express our thoughts. And I could tell when reading this work of yours there was a little something to it, though maybe if you could find that little something that sounds good and work on just using that to express your self that other could really know how you feel (if that makes any sense at all, if not, just ignore it.)
Comments or Suggestions
Omit or Change
Suggested Changes


I am the 24 Wild Rovers
If You Wish to Give C4C Click on the Smlileys
: