#1
We all need an antenna to heaven;
A celestial wire to a greater good.


A guiding hand,
A softly whispered word.


It was the final, dying days of Autumn
When we scrambled, like criminals,
onto the roof of the house next door.
We lay together, hand in hand,
Watching the sky transcend.


We perceived a peaceful blue
Give way to the grey.


The thunder split the skies,
And you squeezed tighter.


And with every raindrop
We'd steal a breath,
Until the sky was black,
And we'd breathe no more.


another post-rockish song. Any and all crit is greatly appreciated, thanks for reading.
#2
And with every raindrop
We'd steal a breath,
Until the sky was black,
And we'd breathe no more.

Good stanza, but the last line doesn't work for me, I feel like you could have made a better ending (I'm not sure what I would have done though)
the rest is splendid in my opinion
If you're willing to c4c, link:
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1349290
Last edited by Karel Juwet at Aug 15, 2010,
#3
I definitely dig it. It flows well. Not too over the top. Am I correct in assuming the first line is a GY!BE reference?
#4
I really like this, apart from just a couple lines. "A celestial wire to a greater good." and "We perceived a peaceful blue" both don't seem to fit in with the overall feeling I got from this. Whereas most of it is wonderfully honest, personal, told from an incredibly human narrator's eyes, those two lines feel far too detached and analytical. Especially the word "perceived". That doesn't sound at all like something the narrator would say.

Pretty much everything else is great. Just change those two lines.
kill all humans
#5
Quote by phoenix_crush
I definitely dig it. It flows well. Not too over the top. Am I correct in assuming the first line is a GY!BE reference?


That it is; those guys (along with Mono) are some of my biggest influences

Quote by alaskan_ninja
I really like this, apart from just a couple lines. "A celestial wire to a greater good." and "We perceived a peaceful blue" both don't seem to fit in with the overall feeling I got from this. Whereas most of it is wonderfully honest, personal, told from an incredibly human narrator's eyes, those two lines feel far too detached and analytical. Especially the word "perceived". That doesn't sound at all like something the narrator would say.

Pretty much everything else is great. Just change those two lines.


Thanks man, that was the feel I was going for; wasn't sure if I got it or not.
I get what you're saying about those two lines, reading back on it. How about "a fine wire to the greater good" and "we gazed upon a peaceful blue"
Last edited by SonOfSanguinus at Aug 16, 2010,
#6
Quote by SonOfSanguinus
Thanks man, that was the feel I was going for; wasn't sure if I got it or not.
I get what you're saying about those two lines, reading back on it. How about "a fine wire to the greater good" and "we gazed upon a peaceful blue"
Better, definitely, but I don't really care for the phrase "greater good". It sounds too cheesy and cliche. Maybe that's just me, though.
kill all humans