#1
A song i wrote for a young girl with not much of a wide vocabulary so i tried making it simple..

Rachel, an angel in my mind
Babbling about the has-beens and the good things left behind
Just take a breather on my roller coaster joyride
Shot into the gloom and the moon that is our shelter tonight

Night sky, shy behind the lights
Slashes a different colour, magenta with a grey demise
Let it out and let me in i can see the tears in your eyes
Heartbreaks and false charades filled up to the brim of your lies

Oo, have you messed up parts in life?
Give me your worst mistakes and i'll burn them down with the nights that i cried
It's true, i never smile without you
And im never sad around you
I'm hoping you'd feel the same as i do

Rachel, blushing by my side
Stumbles into endless planes, twisting void and April rain
I'm tired of the secret smiling and if you would be so kind
Sketch me the setting sun with the two of us not far behind

Oo, have you messed up parts in life?
Give me your worst mistakes and i'll burn them down with the nights that i cried
It's true, i never smile without you
And im never sad around you
I'm hoping you'd feel the same as i do

Bridge/Instrumental

Rachel, im always right on time
I'll pick you up in five
But where do you wanna go tonight?
#2
A song i wrote for a young girl with not much of a wide vocabulary so i tried making it simple..

Lol.

Rachel, an angel in my mind
Babbling about the has-beens and the good things left behind
Just take a breather on my roller coaster joyride
Shot into the gloom and the moon that is our shelter tonight


I like the first two lines. I wonder about that invitation onto the "rollercoaster joyride" though. It seems out of character of the speaker. Also, where does the "gloom" come from in the final line? The phrasing there might be confusing me. What is being "shot" into the "gloom"?

Night sky, shy behind the lights
Slashes a different colour, magenta with a grey demise
Let it out and let me in i can see the tears in your eyes
Heartbreaks and false charades filled up to the brim of your lies


I like the "shy" night sky. I'm not sure what "slashes a different color", but if it's the lights then you might want to reconsider your phrasing. Also, I'm not sure what a "grey demise" is.

Oo, have you messed up parts in life?
Give me your worst mistakes and i'll burn them down with the nights that i cried
It's true, i never smile without you
And im never sad around you
I'm hoping you'd feel the same as i do


"Give me your worst mistakes and i'll burn them down with the nights that I cried." I'm not sure how crying nights can burn down past mistakes--perhaps in comparison?--probably--but I do like the line. Also, the speaker becomes slightly insincere when he says "i never smile without you / and i'm never sad around you" I wonder, then, if he's being dishonest in his feelings for the girl. That is interesting.

Rachel, blushing by my side
Stumbles into endless planes, twisting void and April rain
I'm tired of the secret smiling and if you would be so kind
Sketch me the setting sun with the two of us not far behind


There's something enchanting about mixing such physical details, a "blushing" girl and "april rain" with such abstract ones, as "twisting void" and an "endless planes." I also don't know what "secret smiling" is, but I like the final line of asking for a sketch of the two with the sunset.


Oo, have you messed up parts in life?
Give me your worst mistakes and i'll burn them down with the nights that i cried
It's true, i never smile without you
And im never sad around you
I'm hoping you'd feel the same as i do

Bridge/Instrumental

Rachel, im always right on time
I'll pick you up in five
But where do you wanna go tonight?


This sort of reminds me of that song... "Hey there Delilah..." or whatever it is called. It's playful and silly but also pretty powerful at times. Some of your phrasing might be a little off and confusing, so I'd try to fix some of those. But otherwise there's some good stuff in here.
#3
i liked it a lot so no critique from me. its really good! keep on writing
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I write poetry
And it sucks.
#4
wow thx alot JordanZZ no one ever gave me a full critque before i think .. er i'll try to explain your questions. But first of all i just put a lot of feel into this song without really having a precise meaning to every unsure phrase or line that u mentioned. Was more of a written down fantasy dream.


I like the first two lines. I wonder about that invitation onto the "rollercoaster joyride" though. It seems out of character of the speaker. Also, where does the "gloom" come from in the final line? The phrasing there might be confusing me. What is being "shot" into the "gloom"?

The imagery i got when i wrote those lines were the writer and the girl taking a rollercoaster ride (can be literally a rollercoaster or any form of a good time) all the way into space, which is the gloom. And then well taking shelter on the moon.


I like the "shy" night sky. I'm not sure what "slashes a different color", but if it's the lights then you might want to reconsider your phrasing. Also, I'm not sure what a "grey demise" is.

slashes a different color meaning changing color in a slashing kind of way. imagine a paint brush performing big 'slashing' strokes on the night sky. Magenta is like a happy colour and grey is like the opposite. Dull and dead. Which for me represents a not so extreme demise.


"
Give me your worst mistakes and i'll burn them down with the nights that I cried." I'm not sure how crying nights can burn down past mistakes--perhaps in comparison?--probably--but I do like the line. Also, the speaker becomes slightly insincere when he says "i never smile without you / and i'm never sad around you" I wonder, then, if he's being dishonest in his feelings for the girl. That is interesting.

The writer is "burning down" the girls past mistakes with his own (the nights that he cried) so they both get over their problems together. "i never smile without you/ and i'm never sad around you" its more exaggerated than dishonest. Some girls just love to hear some impossible things that guys say to represent their feelings. Ex. Crying her a river etc.


There's something enchanting about mixing such physical details, a "blushing" girl and "april rain" with such abstract ones, as "twisting void" and an "endless planes." I also don't know what "secret smiling" is, but I like the final line of asking for a sketch of the two with the sunset.

Secret smiling is when a girl is gives you a cheeky kinda of smile,most likely hinting that she likes you.

well i hope that makes this song less confusing for you. thanks a lot again. appreciate it