#1
this is the first piece iv written in a very long time and i will probably end up rewriting it but id like to know what you think of it

Lonely eyes stare from a lonely face
Surrounded by people yet still alone
Standing with her
Talking with her
But not being with her
Like an insurmountable wall between us
The thorn in my side holds me back
Too deep to remove
I can’t live with it
But I can’t survive without it
Like a tumour close to my heart,
Too dangerous to remove

So I make do and endure,
Living vicariously with my life-support
And long for night
To dream in ecstasy, free from my feeding tube
And dread the morning
For I must wake up and endure the hangover,
The hangover of pain, loneliness and guilt
I stare at you and dream,
Longing
I glare at my machine,
Begrudging
And with a loving resentment I avert my eyes
Torn


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Tell me what nation on this earth, was not born of tragedy-Primordial
#2
Lonely eyes stare from a lonely face
Surrounded by people yet still alone Just by my first thought, I think you should take this and replace it with the "But not being with her" a couple lines down
Standing with her
Talking with her
But not being with her
Like an insurmountable wall between us
The thorn in my side holds me back
Too deep to remove
I can’t live with it
But I can’t survive without it I really didn't like the sound of this line when I was just reading through
Like a tumour close to my heart,
Too dangerous to remove

So I make do and endure,
Living vicariously with my life-support
And long for night
To dream in ecstasy, free from my feeding tube
And dread the morning
For I must wake up and endure the hangover,
The hangover of pain, loneliness and guilt
I stare at you and dream,
Longing
I glare at my machine, I now see a machine but I don't see any immediate use of this machine, if you're goin to introduce objects into the setting, make use or significance of them
Begrudging
And with a loving resentment I avert my eyes
Torn Random?

Over all, that's not too bad. I kind of like all the imagry you have used. But your work lacks real motive. I read this and felt no different than before because you didn't give me (the reader/listener) any reason to relate. Not that there is no relation, but I'll bet you could read the next 10 posts on this site and 9 of them will have the same, cliche story. Just work on being unique. Tell a story we can relate to, but no one dares to say it (like "Worst Pirate Song," by Ceann.) Keep on Writing
Comments or Suggestions
Omit or Change
Suggested Changes


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