#1
There is something in the way your neck looks
When you tilt your head that makes me feel like the
earth is spinning faster on its axis as if
you were the finest feather in a wing without feathers

There is something in the way you are speaking
that makes me feel like you are the sky and I am
a flightless bird looking feebly upwards feeling the weight of,
but not understanding the shame of, my ineptitude

There is something in the way you turn your knees
That makes my jaw go slack and my eyes turn back into my head
The way I imagine the average earth worm to look
in the moments after he's realized his fate is in the hands
of a handless killer

You are all the hip double talk I've never attempted
You are every pair of fingers parted in a peace sign
Affixed to the hands of a girl drowning in a tye dye t-shirt
Too big for her skeletal frame
Last edited by OfLuckAndDust at Aug 16, 2010,
#2
That last verse is fantastic.

Overall, I really liked it, but I think I would like it a lot more if it were less clumsy. Read the first verse, starting with the second line, out loud. You could probably excise a lot of words that clog it up, rearrange some phrases.

"The world feels like its accelerating on its axis
when you tilt your head like that."

That "as if" doesn't fit at all, and usually I don't care about those types of things (how does blood "split" down a chest?), but in a piece as good as this, it can only improve with its removal.

It may benefit from contractions, as well. Definitely in the second verse.

To reiterate: goddamn I liked that final verse.
the only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones that never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn


#3
Thanks so much to be honest I tripped and hit my head on the keyboard and that should explain the clumsiness of the writing.
#4
I'm not sure if I'm a fan of the lack of punctuation, sometimes letting a sentence run on and only use enjambment can swallow the meaning of a line. I do appreciate the stream of conciousness kind of feeling it creates though, I just feel like you could have used some aids in keeping the theme consistent, like you did with the feeling.

There's also a bit of inconsistency when it comes to capitalisation.

The first line of the second stanza is awkwardly tensed. That is, it should be "the way you speak". It will fix the grammar and will also prevent the repetition of "you are" which just doesn't sound good. Some of the lines are overworked from a wording perspective, and I suspect the critique above had something to do with that. I think you need to find a bit more balance between the raw material you divulge and the edits you make in a piece. It shouldn't be either/or.

I'm not sure the earth worm should be a he. An 'it' would have been much more suitable, in my opinion, as it depersonalises the idea and helps the stanza to be more abstract.

I agree that the last stanza is stunning, and it has something that the others lack. It's as if you were holding back on your personality, using concepts that have been used a million times before, the line of a woman's neck, the softness of her speech, etc. and then in the end you arrive at the core of your own language and images, that may seem odd to others, but make perfect sense to you. And that's what I love, because your perspective is what you try to convey.

I enjoyed this.
This is not a pipe