#1
Ok guys, so Im writing lyrics for a song about a boy, who loves a girl. But the girl doesn't love him back, so he kills her and then himself. Here are some of the lyrics that I wrote so far but I need help. Some of the lines are personal to something that had happened to me and some parts don't have anything to do with me. But I won't tell you what parts! Tell me what you think. What should be changed or what I could add.

Could you ever know how you use to make me feel? I would ask myself "could all this even be real?" But now I know it's all a lie, and it's tearing me up inside. Like a little peice of me has died. And you'll never know the tears I've cried!

Can you even remember the games we played? Or the things you use to say? The way you make me feel. The things you do to me! I've never cared for someone so much it hurt. But know I can see through your lies. And it hurts so much.

Sometimes I wish I had never met you. And the things you put me threw. Then I wouldn't be in so much pain. Am I just a game? Am I just one of your silly little pawns? Pretended to be loved only to be killed in the end? And you just pretend like I don't exist anymore. I don't deserve to have you. But I will always love you!

So yeah... Thanks for the help.
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#2
I prefer the 2nd & 3rd verses. The first has too many pure rhymes for a dark serious song. But it's definitely on its way!
#3
Lol the description you gave reminds me of A Little Piece Of Heaven by Avenged Sevenfold.
Otherwise I like it though, I agree with The Larze.
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