#1
Constructive criticism please


Verse
I've finally seen the light
Although I've been blind forever

Everything is right
Although its always been wrong


Bridge
Im seeing life as it really is
I wish it was always like this


Chorus
Trueeeeeeeeeeee colour
Trueeeeeeeeeeee colour
Trueeeeeeeeeeee colour


Verse
I've just layed in the sun
After an eternal night

Now I see everything is one
Before I was never really sure


Bridge
I'm surrounded by technicolor dreams
Don't worry things always get better then they seem


Chorus
Trueeeeeeeeeeee colour
Trueeeeeeeeeeee colour
Trueeeeeeeeeeee colour


Bridge
Golden lights surrounds me
Colourblindness is gone I say


Solo


Verse
My eyes are beginning to clear
The storm is gone from my mind

I think I am almost there
In the light I can see the path


Bridge
The world could now be in line
It might not be great but I can say nevermind


Chorus
Trueeeeeeeeeeee colour
Trueeeeeeeeeeee colour
Trueeeeeeeeeeee colour

Yahhhhhhhhhhhh

Outro
In the sun is where we belong
In the sun is where we belong
In the sun is where we belong
#4
^ Meh. Its one of my first pieces and I guess I kinda got lazy with the rhyme scheme. As for the meaning its based on the buddhist concept of Srotāpanna, the first step on the path to enlightentment.
#5
I've finally seen the light
Although I've been blind forever
Good start

Everything is right
Although its always been wrong
Omit, it doesn't flow well and it draws us aways from the idea you made in the preceding verse

Im seeing life as it really is
I wish it was always like this
I'm sure with a good chord scheme this is passable

Trueeeeeeeeeeee colour The "e" is silent, it's actually the "u" you should be repeating, Truuuuuuuuuuue colour
Trueeeeeeeeeeee colour And really in poetry you don't really need to prolong any of these words. Everyone will read it still as one word, with one meaning.
Trueeeeeeeeeeee colour

I've just layed am laying in the sun Keep the tenses correspoding throughout the peace
After an eternal night

Now I see everything is as one
Before I was never really sure I was never sure before Anytime you read/write something and it doesn't sound right, just reword it

I'm surrounded by technicolor dreams Good
Don't worry things always get better then they seem

Golden lights surrounds me
Colourblindness is gone I say
No, it sounds terrible

My eyes are beginning to clear
The storm is gone from my mind Better

I think I am almost there
In the light I can see the path
Eh, you could do better

The world could now be in line
It might not be great but I can say nevermind

Doesn't flow with the story (whatever that is,) and it sounds forced when reading


In the sun is where we belong
In the sun is where we belong
In the sun is where we belong
I don't know about you but I think Earth is home enough for me

Sorry, I didn't like it. Actually at first I though it was going to be about a man that thought he was on top of the world, then a friend betrayed him. And now the man's stumbling around drunk and blind. That would be much more interesting. Honestly I have no idea what it is you actually wrote about here, and though there was a couple good images, overall it wasn't all that great. I'm sorry but I'm goin to have to say "try again," but don't ever give up Keep on Writing
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I am the 24 Wild Rovers
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Last edited by 24WildRovers at Aug 17, 2010,
#6
Quote by LDG17
^ Meh. Its one of my first pieces and I guess I kinda got lazy with the rhyme scheme. As for the meaning its based on the buddhist concept of Srotāpanna, the first step on the path to enlightentment.

Ok, well I can kind of see that I guess. Though I being Taoist only know the basics about Srotāpanna, and should say you should talk more about what is left behind, not just blind light. It's about empy-ing yourself, but it's not blind "I think I see the light." It's more about "that person is restricting prana, how can I help him?" You should also mention how you have succeded envy, jealousy, hypocrisy, fraud, denigration and, domineering. And you have come to the stage of nirvana to where you don't have to be born and animal or a ghost. Personaly, this work in no way told me anything about any of that.
Comments or Suggestions
Omit or Change
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I am the 24 Wild Rovers
If You Wish to Give C4C Click on the Smlileys
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