#1
white star rivers ran over my skin;
i even saw them flow in my smile,
in my low-eyed smirk,
my mouth.
you never believed me when i said
i was being swept into the big white star sea
but i was floating on my back,
my face fixed upon a bulbous sun,
the clouds of cocoa and cream and all the other
colors which i knew i would soon forget.
so i took you by the shoulders
and placed you beside me in front
of a vanity mirror
and said "Look!"

you shrugged off a little laugh
and said "yes, Look!"

and it was then i reached
an estuary of sorts
though it was more like a porcelain rim.
there were no watersnakes,
no fishermen, no karen carpenters
being reeled in by
the skin of their eyelids

only a face i had once forgotten
barely floating upon the surface.

bare
ly
here, My Dear, here it is
#2
"i was being swept into the big white star sea"

This line seems a little too long for me. "Big white star sea" I feel like the "white star sea" would still be visually appealing and poetic.

Besides that, this is great. Nice flow to it and great words.
Guitar Player Since April 12th, 2005.
Guitar of Choice: Schecter S-1 Elite
Proud of His Two Warnings
#3
I think you often need to work more on your tenses. There's something that feels unnatural, like you're feeling all of this at the moment, but writing it as if it was long ago or, as if you're writing about something that happened long ago, trying to recreate the feeling you had then, in the present.

It's a delicate issue, because every reader has their own connotations, but I'd really like to read you 'in the moment' one day. I hope you know what I mean.

Regarding this piece, I really did enjoy it, especially the ending, from the KC stanza onward it felt like a mosaic of memories that you used to convey a feeling, but it was so fragmented that it felt sad. Lost. You've managed to do something that I think we all look for. We all find our own images to describe feelings with, but here I just found mine in yours. Does that make sense?

I think I'm saying that sometimes you don't know that pink elephants make you smile until someone tells you that they make him smile.

Get it?

This was good.
This is not a pipe
#4
you're going to have to explain this one to me
Quote by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




e-married to
theguitarist
minterman22
tateandlyle
& alaskan_ninja

#6
Amazing.

It reminds me of http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LGSTJxXCCJg -- just in words. The feeling.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#7
Quote by Carmel
I think you often need to work more on your tenses. There's something that feels unnatural, like you're feeling all of this at the moment, but writing it as if it was long ago or, as if you're writing about something that happened long ago, trying to recreate the feeling you had then, in the present.

It's a delicate issue, because every reader has their own connotations, but I'd really like to read you 'in the moment' one day. I hope you know what I mean.



I think you hit the nail right on the head. I realize it's something that needs polishing up. Thanks for reading Carmel.

And thanks to everybody else. Culex, thanks for sharing that song. I think the feeling of it fits well.

Saadia, I will explain this one to you sometime. You'll just have to remind me.
here, My Dear, here it is