#1
Ok so I have listened to animal by neon trees like 300 times. So this may seem a little like the same flow probably.

What do you guys think? I really enjoyed writing this, I just want like a second opinion on flow problems and waht not.


I've waited so long

Out here barren lawn

Its been a while now

Since you ripped my heart out

Like a feuding argument

I will not leave without adjustment

In this life we lead within


Whoa oh

I want to know

Whoa oh

Can you please show

What it is that I am missing


I've waited this long

To just give you one kiss

Oh the times I miss

Before all the bullshit

I just feel like all this

Hits me so hard


Whoa oh

I want to know

Whoa oh

Can you please show

What it is that I am missing


Oh how I wish

I could just redo all this

And make better for us

Cause its just so hard

Until I see you again


Whoa oh

I want to know

Whoa oh

Can you please show


What it is that I am missing
#2
i really enjoyed reading this and i didnt find any flow problems maybe thats cuz i was reading and listening to the 'animal' song at the same time!! but i guess the last 3 lines of verse2 can use some changes. the rest is great! good job
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I write poetry
And it sucks.
#3
hey thanks for the critique, i loved yours too. but i felt the part where you added "bullshit" spoilt the mood :/ haha great job

8/10 keep 'em coming!
#4
Yea, I thought the same, I am going to change that and probably to something like drama and change the last two lines of the same verse. But I am not sure yet.