#1
C4C

I caught a ride to town the other day
Just to hear that you had gone away
If I could paint a picture of the look on my face
Well I am sure that the colors would all be gray
Yes, I'm sure they would all be gray

And if I could have taken you back from your home
And placed you right back into where you belong
Then together, forever, we'd lay and make haste
For not a moment we spend could we imagine to waste

And if time spent alone I can learn from myself
Then you should teach me a little about something I can't
So this distance between us we can carve away
and together, forever, we'll spend everyday
Yes together, forever, we'll spend everyday

And if the couplets I wrote would make love and hold hands
Then I'd truly be able to say that I can
Take back all the words that I never did say
And maybe tomorrow you might want to stay
Yes, maybe tomorrow you might want to stay

And if the towers we'd built should all crumble today
Then in the rubble I'd worship with each dying day
For a dream left deferred is a dream all the same
And my dreams are of you, even when I'm awake
Yes my dreams are of you, even when I'm awake
#2
I caught a ride to town the other day
Just to hear that you had gone away
If I could paint a picture of the look on my face
Well I am sure that the colors would all be gray Well do you miss her or not? In love poetry, because you are dealing with such a cliche, overwritten topic, you have to be bold and absolute. Though this is about being "gray" and totally missing your girl, you need to completely "gray" and missing her. Don't paint any reds or greens in your gray portrait
Yes, I'm sure they would all be gray
Besides the unabsolute-ism in these last two lines, they don't flow just right. Again, I am really strict in this genre just because I have read LOTS of not so good and I don't want you to fall into one of those. The only thing that comes to my mind at the moment is
It will be a hazy shade of gray,
And getting worse sense you left that day.

Also I have already notice that you're rhyming most of this piece. Honestly I am not a fan of rhyming. It sounds too cliche to fit into a cliche genre.

And if I could have taken you back from your home
And placed you right back into where you belong The definition of a home is "a place someone/something belongs to," so naturally this doesn't make any sense. Now try to word something with a little reference to some Norse Mythology or something. That way you sound very intellegent if you mix some proper imagry with a proper analogy to a intellectual subject.
Then together, forever, we'd lay and make haste
For not a moment we spend could we imagine to waste Well repeating "we" denefinatly should be fixed, and again that rhyme sound too repeatative. It sounds like your saying the same thing over and over and over and over again. It's restricting your imagination

And if time spent alone I can learn from myself
Then you should teach me a little about something I can't
So this distance between us we can carve away
and together, forever, we'll spend everyday
Yes together, forever, we'll spend everyday
Just omit, I can't think of everything wrong with this, either rewrite with another image and intellectual connection, or just omit (also remember, all intellectual connections should also be connected together, or else you'll lose everyone in confusion)

And if the couplets I wrote would make love and hold hands CORNY
Then I'd truly be able to say that I can Another thing about women, though you want to really want them, you should not try too hard. They'll think it's an act of desperation and, depending thier personality, they'll either take advantage of you, leave you dead in the gutter, or just toy with you. So you really want her, but not all that much. In fact I have a reference on my mind, in a traditional Irish tune, there's a song called Wild Mountain Thyme. Now in this song it talks about how much the guy wants the girl to come with him to pick wild mountain thyme, but in one stanza it says, "And if you don't come with me, I will surely find another." Though that sounds cruel, I have noticed it works more that corny (though don't get me wrong, girls like corny, just not deperate corny)
Take back all the words that I never did say
And maybe tomorrow you might want to stay
Yes, maybe tomorrow you might want to stay

And if the towers we'd built should all one crumble today
Then in the rubble I'd worship with each dying day
For a dream left deferred is a dream all the same Intellectual referrence needed
And my dreams are of you, even when I'm awake
Yes my dreams are of you, even when I'm awake

Sorry I haven't really been giving any ideas or any real directions, that's because I can see you have some spark of creativity. Sit at your table, relax, just focus on your breathe for a while. And whenever a thought of any sort comes, just calmly awknowledge it and let it drift by. Then after you're truely relaxed, let the thoughts of this girl come. Now start writing what comes to mind of here. Don't worry if it doesn't sound poetic in any way, you're justing getting ideas, poetry comes seperate for most people. And you can use this excersice on anything really, tests, work, and just about anything in life Keep on Writing
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I am the 24 Wild Rovers
If You Wish to Give C4C Click on the Smlileys
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Last edited by 24WildRovers at Aug 18, 2010,
#3
dude this is pretty good. im in love with the last verse, especially the first 2 lines. that is some quality stuff. good job man, keep at it