I've had this song on ice for a while now, and decided to restructure a good amount of it in the last day and a half.
I found that the original version was god awful.

This one I quite like. I would like to hear plenty of input on:

-the transitions,

-repetition (be it good or bad),

-rhythm and melodic choice (percussion factors into this),

-themes and motifs (as in, which sections I should keep, what I should remove, which could be strengthen if I keep them),

-and the direction I should take it in.

As always, C4C.
And again with my diatribe; half-assed crits will receive no compensation. Form a complete thought before replying if you hope for me to give you a crit.
The Venicine has a nice rhythm to it. The only minor concern I have is with the drums. I like the unusual rhythms throughout the song, especially the fills at the beginning of the riff, but the drums starting at bar 10 sound rather unimpressive contrary to what the riff was building up to. I quite enjoyed the Pre-Requiem Build-Up, it did its job well, which was building up to the Requiem riff, that I also enjoyed. The Requiem itself was like an evil twin to the Venicine riff, and was much more impressive. The liked the absence of drums in the Build-Up (2), that was really how I imagined it's return when I first listened to it, and I have no problems with the second part of the riff. COLLAPSE was ironically a difficult rhythm for me to get into, even though it looks quite simple. I really expected it to be Eighth Dotted, Sixteenth, Quarter, Eighth Dotted, Quarter, but it seemed to make more sense as I listened to more it more. The clean part was a bit unusual, especially the transition, but it did make a nice break, and there was nothing really wrong with it. The Dead but not gone riff made a nice recovery from the clean section, and continued nicely into the Requiem riff again. I really hope all that blank space is room for the solo. And the rest of the song is essentially the same Beauty in Requiem riff, but I do think the end of the distorted part dragged on for too long. So all in all, great work. It was odd, but that doesn't mean I didn't enjoy it.


EDIT: When I said "that doesn't mean I enjoyed it." I meant the complete opposite. lol i meant "that doesn't mean I didn't enjoy it."
Quote by RhyseOrtiz
Banned because.. that was brilliant, champayne

Some of My Recent Songs

[thread="1403441"]Synthetic Damage WIP[/thread]

[thread="1350364"]The Nightman Awakens[/thread]

[thread="1322579"]Into the Sunset WIP[/thread]

[thread="1247340"]The Butter Knife Massacre[/thread]
[thread="1253933"]Into The Sparta Pit[/thread]

[thread="1224038"]Untitled Tech Thing[/thread]
Last edited by champayne at Aug 19, 2010,
The Venicine: I really like the little chromatic run at bar 3.

Pre-requiem Buildup: Well it sure sounded like a buildup. I think it created a lot of tension quite well, thanks to those diminished scales/chords/whatever.

Requiem Theme: The best part of this, to me, was the uneven rhythm on the "chugs".

Collapse!!!: That weird chord sequence was nice, but I didn't like that you repeated it so many times. My main issue was that since there was silence after the first one, the second one almost seemed random. The SECOND part with the same name at the end was more like what I was thinking would be good here. I very much enjoyed the acoustic section that followed, more on the acoustic guitar than the clean electric sound. The second time you did this section, having the last chord on the electric guitar fade out just sounded....odd.

You should DEFINITELY put a solo where it says solo here, possibly. With a few diminished scale runs. That would be amazing.

As for the repetition, it was fine, until you went back to the buildup a SECOND time, but at least you didn't do the "theme" again for a while. My only problem with the theme was (the second time) you took out what in my mind was the best part. I really loved that second guitar part, and you put both guitars playing the same thing. I was kinda disappointed, and I think you should change it back.

7.2/10, but if you changed the first "collapse" to be more like the second (in the weird chord part) then I'd raise it to an 8, and with the second theme the same as the first, I'd give it a 9.
Crit as I listen...

Intro up to 18 was a good section, rather enjoyable. The pre-requiem buildup is repeated too often IMO. Requiem was a great section, theme of it was great. Venecine was a cool section, and then goes back to the buildup.

There should be a bit of drum lead up IMO to 62, as it just seems to happen. I loved the part after 62, until collapse, where it seems to get more sparse. Beauty in Requieum was a cool section, but I think theres one chord in there that distracts from the theme.

The heavy guitar at 106 was good, after of which it repeats familiar themes, which is a good thing. I could see a solo in the spot you marked.

At the end, where it repeats Beauty in requiem, is that the end? I feel that you should find more resolve at the very end, and extra chord. I found one that really worked, but Im sure you can find a better one.

If your up for another C4C, if you haven't already, Crit my "JazzDeath" Piece. Should be on the first page of the forum.
The Venicine:

Good melody + really cool rhythm .
It makes me want to dance)

Pre-requiem Buildup:

I don't like drums in this part
and i don't feel transition from "The Venicine" to "Pre-requiem Buildup".
but in itself, this part is nice.

Requiem Theme:

The best part of song
Note E in bars (36-37; 40-41; 44-45) sound a little weird for me.

Part After Build-up 2 :

This transition to next part is working


I love weird chords / and this part too .
I think that "Collapse" needs a some crazy drums in style tDEP

Beauty in Requim:
Awesome part

I would add the syncopated drums in bars 87-104 and would insert short jazz solo in bars 96-104


In general this is a good composition
8 / 10
Last edited by PaulKb at Aug 30, 2010,