#1
I guess its a quick piece on my extinct connection with my own generation


Im strange and wierd and different, I was into and got out of the internet, and drugs before they were "KEWL". I love history, the stars, the universe, nature and karma and not because AJ said the he did on his facebook. I'm the shapeless dowel society doesnt have a name for letalone a slot for cause I am myself, and not a collection of cool gathered from different trendy wendys over time. I've made my way to where I am with my own two feet and my own determination and still made it further then the masses who still breast feed from daddys teet into their thirties if they ever switch to cows milk at all. Sometimes I'm jealous I dont fit in with the IN crowd that I myself created with the work of my own two hands while the rest waited and watched untill it was safe to follow, long after I'd moved on. but when the race is run I'll be happy to die knowing I lived an extroadinary and true life instead of a factory mold of years and experiences unique to nobody. Yes I'll be happy to know I died Kyle, a revolutionary whose life brimmed with mystery, accomplishments and journeys no others have conquered, nor understood by the millions of Johns and Janes around him who simply lived and died inside a crowd who care for nothing but their next beer as their so called friends writhe & die from alcohol poisoning along the way side...

"Grab his glass before he spills it!"
Last edited by CarnivalBeam at Sep 21, 2010,
#2
It's cool of you to just put yourself out there like this. Many of us (though I may only be speaking for myself here) seem to be poets because it makes hiding things easier. That you can shed this sort of audacity and be that sure of yourself, mad respect my friend. Just watch where you step - because that frightening cliff that sometimes comes in the form of a brick wall, or a needle, or a crying woman - you'll get to it eventually, and I only hope you've the fortitude to hold up then.
#3
Well thank you but I must admit most of my writing comes across so blunt because I lack the ability to creatively, as you say, hide it in the way a good poet should, and is also why I come here and try to better it. And as for cliffs and needles and things, been there done that and now walk taller.
#4
its really a good thing that you can write without a filter. some people have to strain to have something to say.

as for the piece, its nothing that hasn't been done before, the rant thing, but you've got fire and ideas, just refine your craft.
i think the main thing is that the wall of text is difficult to get into. the tone, the imagery all jumping around and the constant barrage of sentences in such a short space make it appear very ranty and if you don't hook people early on its difficult to take in.

i know things like this need to be written as is, and the worst thing you could do would be to try and tether your writing in any way, but maybe focusing and elaborating on certain ideas once you have them down would focus it a bit more. Especially in a piece like this. it has to be physically readable and have some kind of new spin on the subject matter otherwise people may dismiss it as just a rant.

and there's nothing wrong with a bit of bluntness.
--------------------i'm definitely the alphaest male here--------------------