#1
Listen to me, come up close
it's going down now
something I can't diagnose
the sweat's dripping from my brow
light it up and let it burn
don't take the drag now
delight's something that you've got to earn
let's turn it all around

falling off the deep end, it's hard to play this role
pieces seem to shatter as they hit the ground
living in a dream, it's easy to lose your soul
feeling ecstasy is something so profound

Do you feel like you fail everything,
everything you've ever tried?
then you're like me
I'm sorry I let you down
let's turn this all around
close your eyes...
I'm making it better now

I feel like it's been burning
the silver off my tongue
it's starting to feel discerning
I can't talk like I used to
like my final song has been sung

Is this hope just a figment of my imagination?

falling off the deep end, it's hard to play this role
pieces seem to shatter as they hit the ground
living in a dream, it's easy to lose your soul
feeling ecstasy is something so profound
Last edited by PurpleBear102 at Aug 28, 2010,
#3
this piece had a rough ending, i think you should give it another verse at the end, just to fix it up. the last line, "feeling ecstasy is something so profound"
it just doesn't seem to be a good line to end on. besides that good work!

TYPO:
falling *off* the deep end, it's hard to play this role


Great work man! keep it up!
7/10 C4C?
#4
Most of it didn't seem to have a very planned out rhyme scheme. For the most part, the lyrics themselves were pretty simple and straightforward, which isn't necessarily bad, but that plus the totally unpredictable rhyme scheme don't mix very well. Try to make the rhyme schemes a little more consistent and those lyrics could work, though I'd agree with Caboose that you also outta add another verse or something.

C4C? https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?p=25050634#post25050634
"Love everything. Know nothing."

"What do you mean 'do you even know how to play bongo drums?'?! Do I not have hands?! And pot?!"