#1
or 'there are bells ringing but i feel the sadness of something bigger'

when you smile,
a concrete thrust of pain ripples through me,
a rush of blood and gristle against the yogurt-y cacoon of my skin
and suspends there.
it's been five months. incidents and hazards
i can't take back, can't talk about, rise above it.
every option is blurred out.
i dream of us being in love
but i am in love with someone
i have alienated and hurt.
forgiveness fades into newsprint
each day, a farther distance.
something tells me i worth
very little, and
i believe every word that
stumbles down from heaven.

i broke our hearts before they
throbbed once.
Last edited by hippieboy444 at Aug 20, 2010,
#2
Eh, not quite your best work. I kind of grappled with the metaphor of "yogurty". It's really, really odd. The first two lines were very well put together though. That's some strong emotion you're conveying. Awesome start. And the end was great too, to be honest. I think it's just the middle that didn't do a whole lot for me.

But then I guess that's like telling a chick, "Hey, you got a gorgeous face and amazing legs but...yeah, that middle isn't working for me."
#3
It was good besides yogurty. No matter what you do.. change yogurty! The end was awesome though.
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#4
it became more tangible as the piece went on. I agree- yogurty must go, in my opinion. I think this work could actually do with some trimming: what could make this piece even more biting, raw, and heartbreaking is saying as little about it as possible; almost capturing the essence of a smile in itself. by speaking about a smile instead of a kiss with a lover, it propagates so many chilling visions to me at least. it creates a sense of otherness that speaks louder by not saying anything.

the ending should stay divided from the piece- I think that was the best part of the poem. all this work needs is some editing I think.
#5
when you smile,
a concrete thrust of pain ripples through me,
a rush of blood and gristle against the yogurt-y cacoon of my skinKind of different imagry, but still sound cool. Nice work
and suspends there.
it's been five months. incidents and hazards
i can't take back, can't talk about, rise above it.
every option is blurred out.
i dream of us being in love
but i am in love with someone else?
i have alienated and hurt.
forgiveness fades into newsprint
each day, a farther distance.
something tells me i'm worth
very little, and
i believe every word that
stumbles down from heaven.

i broke our hearts before they
throbbed once.

It sounded better and better and better the further I read. The last six lines were by far my favorite. It all sounded very good, I like it

Though I didn't really give any critique to your piece, I'm trying something in one of my posts and I was wondering if you would just come by and give just a little contribution to it, that would be great http://www.ultimate-guitar.com/foru...d.php?t=1352959 Keep on Writing
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