#1
A poem I am working on. Its a work in progress. Not finished, just looking for some preliminary critique.

So full of life, but only my own
Ignorance kept me happy while I was alone
It was then that my thoughts seemed to prevail
There is no crash without feelings to derail

A familiar stranger ended it all
Knew I was in love, not how hard i'd fall
I didn't dream often, but hers were enough
Awake through the dream of things getting this rough

Tagged along, saw her as we, (rather, they)
Hopefully wishing she'd be mine someday
Taken by another at a moment of desire
Burn as it did, gone is the fire


Forgo a dream to make it real
Up all night with a heart to steal
I could taste my heart as it began to rise
Bittersweet as it currently lies


At midnight, the sun is still aglow
Hopefully awoken to a shattering blow
Desert eyes now begin their fade
All of my hope now hides in the shade

Inexperience portrays neurotic normalcies
Truth seems to constrain, all at once as it frees
Happiness exists, hope may not
as it lies now, it begins to rot
Last edited by Redwingsrock at Aug 20, 2010,
#2
woOow i like this alot. i guess the last line of 2nd stanza can use some change and also the 2nd line of 4th stanza but the rest is really goood!! keep on writing
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I write poetry
And it sucks.