#1
dramatis personae (characters of the play)

I'm losing hope
I'm losing sleep
I've got to love hate live this empty dream
So I'll count the hours
And hope for just one wish, that will never come true

We'll breathe, we'll cry
We'll breathe, we'll cry our eyes dry

So bring me my fortress and bring me my queen
And we'll make a stand that they'll never forget
I've got all these goals in life
That I know i'll never make
But in the shade of my heart
Is where you'll hide
That is what I know
That is what I know

So we'll breathe and we'll cry
we'll cry our eyes dry

But in the shade of my heart
That's where you'll hide
That's where you'll hide
That's....Where....You'lll.....Hide


Criticism is welcome.
Thank you
Here my voice goes to ones and zeros...
Last edited by AtReYuRoCk at Aug 20, 2010,
#2
i like it although i didnt get the meaning except maybe its something to do with your goals/dreams and how they'll never come true. the only problem i have is with the 1st line of verse2 but i love the rest especially verse1 so good job! keep on writing
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I write poetry
And it sucks.
#3
well it is about goals and dreams that you know you'll just never make but it's also about trying to be happy about what you've got. The first line of the second verse is about having a home and someone you love, you'll defend it with your life if you have to. I hope it's clearer now.
Thanks for the comment
Here my voice goes to ones and zeros...
Last edited by AtReYuRoCk at Aug 21, 2010,
#4
yup i get the meaning now it was only the first 2 lines of verse2 i didnt get i guess the rest was understandable from the start only and ya i'll say it again i like it alot
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I write poetry
And it sucks.
#5
I'm losing hope
I'm losing sleep
I've got to love hate live this empty dream Sounds best without ''love hate.'' Though if you're goin to keep them, I think the proper way to write that is "love/hate
So I'll count the hours
And hope for just one wish, that will never come true

We'll breathe, we'll cry
We'll breathe, we'll cry our eyes dry It doesn't sound right saying ''breathe'' twice, if anything omit ''We'll breathe,'' and write out ''We will cry our eyes dry.''

So bring me my fortress and bring me my queen
And we'll make a stand that they'll never forget
I've got all these goals in life
That I know i'll never make
But in the shade of my heart
Is where you'll hide
That is what I know
That is what I know

So we'll breathe and we'll cry
we'll cry our eyes dry Oh, I see you've already basically done the change I suggested :p

But in the shade of my heart
That's where you'll hide
That's where you'll hide
That's....Where....You'll.....Hide

Wow, really that was almost perfect. I really liked it. And the idea/story behind it was fantastic. You should keep up this style of writing.

Though I'm sorry to have to ask you, but I'm trying something in one of my posts and I was wondering if you would just come by and give just a little contribution to it, that would be great https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1352959 Keep on Writing
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