#1
always C4C!
this is my first attempt at a ska-like song. kind of a mix between bowling for soup and rancid if you can imagine that :P its still a rough draft, but I'm kind of stumped with it.
It's also a tentative title, so if you got suggestions, throw em my way

I got it all,
But still, I got nothin’
Time’s movin’ slow,
But I just can’t keep up,
Weathers really bad,
But it feels kinda sunny,
I ain’t with you tonight,
But it really ain’t half bad.

Cause I been Missin’ you,
since the second you left.
You never really went eject,
Outta my head.
But now I realize why I’m missin’ you,
It’s cause I really don’t think that you, are missin’ me to.

Lately I hit,
Hard on the liquor.
Started talkin’ to myself,
Cause I got shit to say.
But I guess you don’t care,
You got better things to do.
Then listen to a guy like me,
Talk some shit about you.

Cause I been Missin’ you,
since the second you left.
You never really went eject,
Outta my head.
But now I realize why I’m missin’ you,
It’s cause I really don’t think that you, are missin’ me to.

I mean you probably don’t care,
Naw, no you’d never dare.
Maybe that wasn’t love that was there?
Maybe it was just, somethin’ in the air.

Cause I been Missin’ you,
since the second you left.
You never really went eject,
Outta my head.
But now I realize why I’m missin’ you,
It’s cause I really don’t think that you, are missin’ me to.
Last edited by Caboose911 at Aug 20, 2010,
#2
I've got it all,
But still, I've got nothin’ In my opinion, if you're going to be grammatically incorrect, might as well make it sound half way correct.
Time’s movin’ slow,
But And I just can’t keep up,
Weather is really bad, Skies here are so grey
But it feels kinda sunny, But I see a golden ray
I ain’t with you tonight, To me those just seem a little more, imaginative
But it really ain’t half bad.

Cause I been Missin’ you,
since the second you left.
You never really went eject, That ''eject'' really doesn't sound right, you could even try... You've never really been But, really I haven't checked to see if you have a rhyming scheme going on, if so I'm sure you can think of something
Outta my head.
But now I realize why I’m missin’ you,
It’s cause I really don’t think that you, are missin’ me to. Great idea, though thses last couple lines could use a little work, I like it

Lately I've been hitting,
Hard on the liquor.
I've started talkin’ to myself,
Cause I got shit to say.
But I guess you don’t care,
You got better things to do.
Then listen to a guy like me,
Talk some shit about you. You could really rewrite this last line. It doesn't seem right after reading what you've writen

I mean you probably don’t care,
Naw, no you’d never dare. "Naw" followed by "no" does not sound right
Maybe that there wasn’t any love that was there? before?
Maybe it was just, somethin’ in the air.

Well for a love story it's not too bad. Though you probably know how I don't really like love poetry at all, just because it's far too cliche. But with just a couple changes here and there, I'm sure it will sound just fine Keep on Writing
Comments or Suggestions
Omit or Change
Suggested Changes


I am the 24 Wild Rovers
If You Wish to Give C4C Click on the Smlileys
:
#3
i love it!! the only crit would be changing these lines
Weathers really bad,
But it feels kinda sunny
somehow its meaning doesnt fit and also making the line "outta my head" a bit long. i like the rest almost each n every line!! nice job
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I write poetry
And it sucks.
#4
Quote by leafwhisperer
i love it!! the only crit would be changing these lines
Weathers really bad,
But it feels kinda sunny
somehow its meaning doesnt fit and also making the line "outta my head" a bit long. i like the rest almost each n every line!! nice job

thanks man its much appreciated. if you see this comment, comment back and tell me which piece to crit, or maybe ill just pick one
#5
none actually hmm.. living in the past
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I write poetry
And it sucks.
#7
Hahahaha, it's not really a crit, but I know a local Ska/Punk band that I can really picture playing this. In other words, a very good attempt at the genre, and I like it!
#8
Quote by philmalone666
Hahahaha, it's not really a crit, but I know a local Ska/Punk band that I can really picture playing this. In other words, a very good attempt at the genre, and I like it!

haha, thanks man i didn't think people would like this piece very much, i mean usually my acoustic pieces are loved but i didn't think i could wright something kinda happy with a good beat :P
either way, thanks
#9
I've seen people crit like this, and it seems a good way to go about it, so I'll give it a go

Quote by Caboose911

I got it all,
But still, I got nothin’
Time’s movin’ slow,
But I just can’t keep up,
Weathers really bad,
But it feels kinda sunny,

I ain’t with you tonight,
But it really ain’t half bad.
I agree with 24wildrovers, these lines are a bit weak, but overall I like this verse as an introduction.


Cause I been Missin’ you,
since the second you left.
You never really went eject,
Outta my head.
But now I realize why I’m missin’ you,
It’s cause I really don’t think that you, are missin’ me to.
This chorus is good, but it could use a bit of work to make it flow better. I suppose I'd have to hear it sung really.

Lately I hit,
Hard on the liquor.
Started talkin’ to myself,
Cause I got shit to say.
But I guess you don’t care,
You got better things to do.
Then listen to a guy like me,
Talk some shit about you.

Cause I been Missin’ you,
since the second you left.
You never really went eject,
Outta my head.
But now I realize why I’m missin’ you,
It’s cause I really don’t think that you, are missin’ me to.

I mean you probably don’t care,
Naw, no you’d never dare.
Maybe that wasn’t love that was there?
Maybe it was just, somethin’ in the air.
I like this. It works well as a bridge as it is a kind of reflection on the rest of the lyrics

Cause I been Missin’ you,
since the second you left.
You never really went eject,
Outta my head.
But now I realize why I’m missin’ you,
It’s cause I really don’t think that you, are missin’ me to.



Overall, I think the lyrics would work quite well as simple, catchy ska lyrics, and I would love to here it recorded The use of language with the slang etc would work well with ska and the lyrical theme would come across well in a ska/punk song. Good Job

btw, I read the other piece you told em to look at too, but I crit this one instead as it had less replies. It's really a great piece though