#1
I posted this a while back, but edited some of it. I'm still stuck on a couple of lines, and would like some constructive criticism on it.


Verse 1:
Will you be the one to take me by the hand
Down to the river on the pale white sand
Under the shade of the old oak tree
Birds looking down on us in green envy

Chorus:
If all that mattered was that we believed
In this worn and tired symphony
Would you wait with me for the autumn leaves
Til the earth slips back into the sea

Interlude:
We'll lay our bodies out in the grass
We'll lose ourselves and forget the past
But there was something you asked me long ago
When the yard was still covered in snow

You said-

Verse 2:
Will you be the one to take me far away
Down to Appalachia, where we can stay
Under the shade of the old oak tree
The whole world watching us in green envy

Chorus:
If all that mattered was that we believed
In this worn and tired symphony
Would you wait with me for the autumn leaves
Til the earth slips back into the sea

(Instrumental)

Verse 3:
Will you be the one to lay me in the ground
Peacefully, without a sound
And when everything turns from black to white
Maybe I'll see you on the other side


I am still stuck deciding between a few lines on this one. In the second verse, I can't decide if I want it to say:
"Down to Appalachia, were we can stay"
or "Down to the river, where we can stay", keeping the river motif from the first verse.
And I'm trying to replace the first two lines in the last verse, but still have the same general meaning to it, but I can't think of any good ones that fit the rhyme scheme. So yeah, any suggestions are welcome, especially constructive negative criticism. I'll also c4c anyone who asks .
"Love everything. Know nothing."

"What do you mean 'do you even know how to play bongo drums?'?! Do I not have hands?! And pot?!"
#2
since its the last line of chorus "back into the sea" might make a good title for it. I liked it, im not much of a lyric writer but i think it could make for a good song
#3
I like it very much, only part I didn't really was the interlude. the contrast between forgetting the past and remembering what was said is making me feel uneasy.. don't know how else to put it. Maybe just like 'But I'll always remember what you asked me long ago'. I'm no master writer so don't take the line to heart. maybe just something to point out it's the one thing to remember. Anyway, I think down to the river would be better, as far as I know Appalachia is a mining area in the Appalachian Mountains, unless I'm mistakin, it doesn't really keep to the mood. oh, last thing. The last two lines are also bothering me, why the change from black to white? I understand the idea of afterlife being filled with light, but, the rest of the lyrics suggest an amazing love and I can't really see the 'dark' in that. all in all good stuff, keep up the writing!!