#1
on sad days,
(after too-much-whiskey days)
my bed is a mountain range,
pillow-peaked, loose down snow-caps,
blankets snaked like roughened ridges.
and i
drying out like a dishrag
with don delillo (or jonathan franzen)
read aloud to change my setting
(displacing soundwaves,
words that are good ideas:
thunderous causes of avalanches.)

on sad days,
pretty women wear pretty dresses,
they say
lovely things, make lovely messes.

on sad days,
my headphones tangle when i put them on.
(stereophonic quality guarantee
take in the studio bricks, musical revelry)
i hear samson and simon,
smith and darnielle,
john, paul
(other apostles)
[also ella and miles if they need be]
singing songs i wished i'd written.
on sad days i'm not one to sing along
scared of being heard by happy hearts or
lovers smitten.
(my moods, my moods
how they spread like children.)

on sad days,
i hang my phone up
(cellular, figure-of-speech)
and no, lonesome isn't grown up
but it's far enough from friends,
every one who's shown up
has left with their regrets.
(in life, this was an avalanche)

on sad days,
harold loves maude,
and it's perfect every time.

on sad days,
the sun packs up and passes
leaving sad nights and sore eyes
(forgive the brightness its trespasses)
and i put on my sad day spectacles
and i drink from my sad day glasses.

sad days
are really a lot like
happy days.
(most days)
#2
Sad days are like happy days!

I think that's really good, I like it all.
#3
your use of enjambment is deceiving in the best way.
I like this piece- I find you're chiseling more than you're picking away, if that make sense. there is more purpose here than in some of your pieces. personally, I would really adore to see a poem from you without the vague references to famous people/people in general. you have a great sense of space "my bed is a mountain range,
pillow-peaked, loose down snow-caps,
blankets snaked like roughened ridges."

but what kills it for me is stuff like this: "with don delillo (or jonathan franzen)"
your taste in the sensual always draws me in, but those seemingly random references always throw me and offset it in a bad way. a large amount of poets do that around here, and I truly think you could rise above the mediocrity around here by ditching the use of them and going with the metaphor. you can still be vague and descriptive, but I think by losing those references, your work will become so much stronger and intimate. there would be a directness in the direction that you could achieve, I believe.

obviously this is my two cents, but I think its something certainly to try.
#4
i embrace post-modernism, but i will admit i'm probably the worst name-dropper on these boards and a lot of times they're stupid jokes to myself that i'll laugh about later and a distraction to the reader, but this time i have to argue they're necessary. i entrench myself in fantasy and the words of others some days. there's a million names in this piece but only one character, which was kind of the point. i understand where you're coming from and appreciate your criticisms greatly though. thanks.
#5
Quote by Sticky Tissues
I truly think you could rise above the mediocrity around here...


Tad harsh. I liked the name dropping, along with your use of parentheses. That style of off-putting but then often relevant remarks really attracts me when done well. Needless to say, you done it well. I loved the "John, Paul. (Other apostles)" line. To me, that doesn't put the reader off, just keeps it interesting.

I'd ask for C4C but I haven't written in ages, so just a pat on the back and a nice job from me
#6
Quote by willT08
Tad harsh. I liked the name dropping, along with your use of parentheses. That style of off-putting but then often relevant remarks really attracts me when done well. Needless to say, you done it well. I loved the "John, Paul. (Other apostles)" line. To me, that doesn't put the reader off, just keeps it interesting.

I'd ask for C4C but I haven't written in ages, so just a pat on the back and a nice job from me


I wasn't meaning to be harsh- there are obviously some good writers around here, but there are far more that seem to just follow a certain vague style of post-modernism that I honestly find very pretentious and boring.

NGD1313 is a good writer- I never said he wasn't. I was just offering my criticism is all.

and by the way, I understand what you mean now, NGD1313, and even though that style isn't for me, I hope you do well with it.
#7
The parenthesis in the first about 4 stanzas bugged me. I found what you were saying to be sincere, an then these little comments came up and kind of ruined the tone.

otherwise, i think what you have here is good. It's not you're best (i hate when people say that, i feel like i'm in a time warp and everyone thinks i shouldn't move on to another moment, as if i was perfect in the past), but i like i.t