#1
this is a short song that i just wrote (it took like 5 miutes lol) , its kind of influenced by bands such as death cab for cutie . its basically about how love hurts (emotionally and sometimes physically) i'd really appreciate some feedback and constructive critisism ( be nice though )

I'll build up these walls around you
with little holes , so you can breathe

I'll rip out your heart
and stitch into my sleeve

stitch it so deep , it scrapes the flesh underneath

Chorus :
And I'll treasure it always , always , always , always
It'll be there always , always , always , always
'Cause I'll treasure it always , always , always
It'll be here always , always , always

whenever i feel a twang of pain
bleeding out from my wound

I'll sit back and savour that pain
Because it reminds me of you

Reapeat chorus
#2
Alright girl. The one problem I see with this. Is the over use of always. It is pretty good otherwise.
"Music became a healer for me. And I learned to listen with all my being. I found that it could wipe away all the emotions of fear and confusion relating to my family." Eric Clapton
#3
i like it!! but i think you can put something else in the last two lines of the chorus and it sounds better if the the word 'always' is reapeated only thrice in the first two lines other than that its really good and also i think you should work more on this piece and make it a full fleshed song as it really has potential!! good job! keep on writing
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I write poetry
And it sucks.
#4
I'll build up these walls around you
with little holes , so you can breathe With little hole, for you to breathe To me that just sounds a little bit better

I'll rip out your heart
and stitch into onto my sleeve

stitch it so deep , it scrapes the flesh underneath I really don't get why you would want to scrap the flesh underneath, that sounds painful. But if you're going to keep that, be sure to include a ''so'' in there after the camma.

Chorus :
And I'll treasure it (always , always , always , always)
It'll be there (always , always , always , always)
'Cause I'll treasure it (always , always , always)
It'll be here (always , always , always ) Now here, you usually want to keep the repeatative words in it's own little thing, and that is usually done with parentheses. That way us the readers can see that it's there, but it's not really part of the poetry/lyrics, because really they're not

whenever i feel a twang of pain
bleeding out from my wound I like that ''twang'' of pain, but the last line doesn't sound great, nor terrible. So with music you could make it sound good, but lyrically it doesn't sound all that great

I'll sit back and savour that pain
Because it reminds me of you Anyone reminding me of pain should soon be forgotten. But if you really like the pain, go ahead

Sorry to sound like the ''grouch,'' but I really didn't think it was really bad. Just a couple things and it sounds just fine, and could you please have a look at my "Terrible Love Story?" Keep on Writing


https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1352959 - Terrible Love Story
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