#1
I thank everyone who has helped me in the writing of this work (and I will credit respectively.) This has gone well enough that I think next month I will do this again, but in a different genre.

Oh girl, you're my only love
I hope I'm the only one for you
Flying to the sun AtReYuRoCk
And if I gave my heart AtReYuRoCk
Will that be enough AtReYuRoCk

Chorus -
Oh love, you're the pound in my chest AtReYuRoCk, Caboose911, guitarchick678
Why can't you see, you're the only one for me AtReYuRoCk
I promise you, I'll do my best AtReYuRoCk
To keep you safe right here AtReYuRoCk

But like the trickster Loki,
You've turned your back on me
And you've left me in this place
Why is it him over me?
Oh, you've fallen from disgrace AtReYuRoCk

Oh how this is breaking me AtReYuRoCk
I'm the only one for you AtReYuRoCk
Why can't you see guitarchick678, Caboose911
So I took the hammer Mjollnir, guitarchick678
And beat this man to death, guitarchick678


Now as the sun rises in the east
You will come to me again
I have killed this little pest AtReYuRoCk
Now everthing is right again Caboose911
Like when our love first began Caboose911

Bridge -
Oh but when I call
You have never answered the phone
And when I see you in the store
You try to run from me

So again, I play this old song Caboose911
About a love long lost
Though I don't see why
Our love is not quite bright? AtReYuRoCk

Tell me if I had credited the wrong lines to the wrong person
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I am the 24 Wild Rovers
If You Wish to Give C4C Click on the Smlileys
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Last edited by 24WildRovers at Aug 25, 2010,
#2
Quote by 24WildRovers
Ok, I am going to try something that I haven't seen on here. After reading some of the works on the genre "love," I've decided to make my own piece of work on this topic. But here I am going to start out with a terrible piece of work (all mistakes and questionable "things," so if you see a problem I said about your work, this would be a good chance to change it) and I was going to have have people come with thier comments and suggestions to change this work to a masterpiece. Here I have but just a couple rules: one, the story line cannot change from (Man loves girl-Girl loves another guy-Man kills guy-Man thinks girl loves him-doesn't,) and this is going to be a "first come first serve" change and everyone else has to work around what has been changed Good Luck

Oh girl you're my only love
I hope I'm the only one for you
You're the lily white dove
Or a beautiful tattoo
I hope you'll take my love
i dont like how love is used twice here. maybe try,
Will it be enough?
or something along those lines, it sort of refrences to what happens later.

Oh trueeeeee love
You're the only one for me
Personally, i dont like how short this chorus is. it seems a little dry. try extending it a little maybe?
add some lines like,

Oh, graceful dove,
please, don't wreck me.


But like a dirty two-face
You turned your back on me
And you left me in place
Why is it him over me
This man is a disgrace
^^dont like this line, try something that seems a little less like you're a old man, yelling at a teenager.
maybe
, Oh, how I've fallen from grace.

Oh trueeeeee love
You're the only one for me
^^again, chorus seems short.

Now I am upset by you
It's now pushing my buttons
^^Buttons seems out of place, try a word that flows better with the rhyming.
I'm the only boy for you
And slowly you are less like you
So I kill this boy for you

Now like the sun rises in the west
You will come to me again
I have gotten rid of that pest
Do you want to see me crimanally insane
^^bad line. try something new. like,
Like right when out love began,
So come by my behest
^^for my suggested line to flow, get rid of So.

Oh trueeeeee love
You're the only one for me
^^still too short.

Everything is right
Although it's always been wrong
Our love is now still so bright
Again there's nothing wrong
^^don't like this line, rhyming wrong with wrong is just wrong. try,
So again, I play this old song. or something like that.
Soon I will hear tonight
Your phone call schedualling another date
^^I know date is kind of the key to this stanza, but try a different word maybe.
also the line is a little long, and its bad to end on a bad line.

maybe try, your voice saying the time is just right.

Oh trueeeeee love
You're the only one for me
^^still too short.

Requested changes written by critiques are in blue, Suggestions for change, written by me are in orange. Now I will never say whom made what changes, and I will filter suggestions and changes to follow Songwriting and Lyrics Forum rules and my personal rules for this post


overall I like it but, the lack of rhyming in certain sections kind of hindered its progress.
although I really do like the concept you're getting at.
ill give it a 6.5/10
C4C?
#3
Quote by Caboose911
overall I like it but, the lack of rhyming in certain sections kind of hindered its progress.
although I really do like the concept you're getting at.
ill give it a 6.5/10
C4C?

I thank you very much for your comments. Though, I was hoping to kill the rhyming thing just because that makes these poems seem too long and repeatative. And when I start getting some more comments, I will fit yours in where they belong (even though I said the first come first serve thing, I need to get some more oppinions to change the whole feel of the thing to something much more interesting and least cliche, then I'll put your ideas where they do fit.)
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#4
wow caboose took EVERY single thing i wanted to suggest except i didnt have a problem with the chorus being too short so yeah wat caboose said
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I write poetry
And it sucks.
#5
Quote by leafwhisperer
wow caboose took EVERY single thing i wanted to suggest except i didnt have a problem with the chorus being too short so yeah wat caboose said

Thanks man, but the whole point is that it's terrible, and I am trying to get people to see how terrible love poems can be. Then I was slowly going to make it better. So we'll see if this even happens
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#6
1. 5th verse. I didn't like how almost every line ended in "you".
2. "So I kill this boy for you." and "It's now pushing my buttons." both sounded kind of awkward.
3. If it were me I would have described how I killed him... maybe because I'm a little demented. But I'm not talking about me.
4. This might not be your thing but after I finished reading it I thought it would be good as a country song.
Those were the only things I could think of that Caboose119 didn't say. Overall I give it about a 7.5/10.
#7
Quote by 24WildRovers
I was going to have have people come with thier comments and suggestions to change this work to a masterpiece.



hang on, are you asking us to rewrite the bad lines in your poem until it becomes good? isnt that a bit lazy?
If you mean it as a community project poem type thing, then its a really nice idea, but i think the execution will just turn the end result into a massive cluster**** of different points of view about love. there will be no single focus, which would make each individual sentiment hollow and meaningless. it would start as an intentionally bad hacky love poem and end as a bit of a pointless, unintentionally bad, hacky, stilted love poem.


and whats with all the marks out of ten? thats unbelieveably patronising.
--------------------i'm definitely the alphaest male here--------------------
#8
Quote by guitarchick678
1. 5th verse. I didn't like how almost every line ended in "you".
2. "So I kill this boy for you." and "It's now pushing my buttons." both sounded kind of awkward.
3. If it were me I would have described how I killed him... maybe because I'm a little demented. But I'm not talking about me.
4. This might not be your thing but after I finished reading it I thought it would be good as a country song.
Those were the only things I could think of that Caboose119 didn't say. Overall I give it about a 7.5/10.

Thank you very much, and on my next chance (after critiquing your works and some others whom I owe) I will get to changing all of these suggestion. When it comes to making this a country song, I am a folk/traditional singer, so in a way it sounds a little like a mix between early country and traditional Irish, but this isn't really going to be my song, it's all of yours so I'll see about making some ''country'' sounding chord progression for it
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#9
Quote by FunkasPuck
hang on, are you asking us to rewrite the bad lines in your poem until it becomes good? isnt that a bit lazy?
If you mean it as a community project poem type thing, then its a really nice idea, but i think the execution will just turn the end result into a massive cluster**** of different points of view about love. there will be no single focus, which would make each individual sentiment hollow and meaningless. it would start as an intentionally bad hacky love poem and end as a bit of a pointless, unintentionally bad, hacky, stilted love poem.


and whats with all the marks out of ten? thats unbelieveably patronising.

Yes this is a really lazy community project, but to fix the problem, I am writing the finished work and I will organize suggestions and comments in a way that I think would sound best. And I have a feeling there's not going to be a whole lot of suggestions, so it will be easy to rewrite it when I feel like it.

And when it comes to the marks out of ten, that is how some professional critiques rate things, and really it gives a very general "this is how I thought it was over-all" type thing. So it's not really all that patronising really

And one more thing, I checked out your posts in this forum, and honestly they are WAY too long to do now. I promise I will return the favor as soon as I get a good chance to really sit down and give my best word on it
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Last edited by 24WildRovers at Aug 21, 2010,
#10
yes yes, but to what end is the community writing this? i dont see what benefit a group writing session could give a piece like this. too many cooks spoil the broth and too many writers make shitty and convoluted pieces, especially ones about love. a cynic might well think you are just trying to get us to write your piece for you.
and to each his own when it comes to receiving praise, but seeing as how most of us really arent professionals, i see marks out of 10 as being quite patronising. what scale is being used? theres nothing to compare it to. its just an arbitrary number. even if 5 is average, below is bad and above is good then marks are a bullshit way of saying good bad or average with an inflated sense of self importance and faux authority. i respect everyone here as readers and a lot of people here as writers, but nobody as scoolteachers handing out report cards. i think a vague number with a rough shaky corellation with how good something may be is condescending as ****. seems to just attempt to make a crit appear more reasoned and well thought out.

/rant.
--------------------i'm definitely the alphaest male here--------------------
#11
Ok, I am going to try something that I haven't seen on here. After reading some of the works on the genre "love," I've decided to make my own piece of work on this topic. But here I am going to start out with a terrible piece of work (all mistakes and questionable "things," so if you see a problem I said about your work, this would be a good chance to change it) and I was going to have have people come with thier comments and suggestions to change this work to a masterpiece. Here I have but just a couple rules: one, the story line cannot change from (Man loves girl-Girl loves another guy-Man kills guy-Man thinks girl loves him-doesn't,) and this is going to be a "first come first serve" change and everyone else has to work around what has been changed Good Luck

Oh girl you're my only love
I hope I'm the only one for you I hope i'm the only one
You're the lily white dove
Or a beautiful tattoo flying to the sun
Will it be enough? But if i gave you my heart would that be enough?

Oh trueeeeee love oh love you are the pound in my chest
Why can't you see you're the only thing for me
You're the only one for me Expanding chorus
I promise you this i will do my best
To keep you safe right here


But like a dirty two-face
You turned your back on me
And you left me in place
Why is it him over me
This man is a disgrace Oh, I've fallen from disgrace

Oh trueeeeee love same is chorus above
You're the only one for me

Now I am upset by you
It's now pushing my buttons Buttons is out of place and it's breaking me
I'm the only boy for you I'm the only one for you
And slowly you are less like you Change wording so not every lines ends in "you'' And slowly you are less like you why can't you see?
So I killed this boy for you Describing the killing

Now like the sun rises in the west
You will come to me again
I have gotten rid of that pest
Like when our love began
Come by my behest

Oh trueeeeee love same as other chorus
You're the only one for me

Everything is right
Although it's always been wrong
Our love is now still so bright our love is still bright
So again, I play this old song now I will play this old song
Soon I will hear tonight Soon I will hear you say
Your phone call schedualling another date Seems extra long That you can't stay tonight you've got to go away

Oh trueeeeee love you know the drill
You're the only one for me

Requested changes written by critiques are in blue, Suggestions for change, written by me are in orange, Changes suggested, but are delayed until further notice due to expected changes. Now I will never say whom made what changes, and I will filter suggestions and changes to follow Songwriting and Lyrics Forum rules and my personal rules for this post


Thanks for your comment, I hope I helped you out a bit
Here my voice goes to ones and zeros...
#12
Quote by FunkasPuck
yes yes, but to what end is the community writing this? i dont see what benefit a group writing session could give a piece like this. too many cooks spoil the broth and too many writers make shitty and convoluted pieces, especially ones about love. a cynic might well think you are just trying to get us to write your piece for you.
and to each his own when it comes to receiving praise, but seeing as how most of us really arent professionals, i see marks out of 10 as being quite patronising. what scale is being used? theres nothing to compare it to. its just an arbitrary number. even if 5 is average, below is bad and above is good then marks are a bullshit way of saying good bad or average with an inflated sense of self importance and faux authority. i respect everyone here as readers and a lot of people here as writers, but nobody as scoolteachers handing out report cards. i think a vague number with a rough shaky corellation with how good something may be is condescending as ****. seems to just attempt to make a crit appear more reasoned and well thought out.

/rant.

Well yes, you are correct about everything here. For the poem, I just wanted to try something new, something that would be interesting on how it progresses. In the end I will try to ''mop the broth mess,'' but for right now I am just going to have some fun.

When it comes to ratings, yes I know we are not all schoolteachers, and I've noticed by what they have been using, I think 6 is average. Don't ask my why, apparently anything 6 or below is very bad. 7 to 8 means it's good, but could use work; and 9 and 10 means they very much liked it. And really it's just a way for them to feel like they've contributed something, even thought they don't have much to say. I just look at the ratings as a sign of them trying, not as a real critique. But really you're correct
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#13
Quote by AtReYuRoCk
Thanks for your comment, I hope I helped you out a bit

Yes thank you, you're comments have really helped me out. Though I am going to have to reword some of them just because they are a little long for the meter I have already set up, but I'll find a way to make most of it fit at least
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#14
i personally stay away from love writing i just feel when i do it it all sounds cliche but this written pretty well =]
#15
Quote by waltz #2
i personally stay away from love writing i just feel when i do it it all sounds cliche but this written pretty well =]

Thanks It's getting there. But really I stay away from love poem myself, but I felt like giving this one a try
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#16
Ok this community poem has now finished and is ready for every one to read. If you want you can critique the work as a whole, and I will still return c4c.
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#17
i really like your idea of a community project and the result was nice although it didnt flow really well but that was to be expected since the feelings were of different people. i am looking forward to you doing this again

although i didnt really crit anything but pls crit my songs if you have the time.

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1347789
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1354051
#18
Quote by BloodCold
i really like your idea of a community project and the result was nice although it didnt flow really well but that was to be expected since the feelings were of different people. i am looking forward to you doing this again

although i didnt really crit anything but pls crit my songs if you have the time.

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1347789
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1354051

Maybe next time I will think of something to help make it flow better while still including everyones' thoughts
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