#1
my father claims to be an author though i've never seen him write anything other than the notes he leaves in my lunchboxes that i find in the cafeteria at school,

'sorry matthew, didn't have time to pack your lunch today.
i'm onto something, a 3 series novel, maybe, just wait,
you'll see.’

some kind of man, to be able to write a 3 series novel,
i sit hungry watching friends eat, imagining how great that novel must be.
Last edited by rushmore at Aug 22, 2010,
#2
I can understand what you are try to say. The way you have it space out is very confusing.

It seems like it needs more length to it, it is decent. It seems more like a short story then a song at the moment.
"Music became a healer for me. And I learned to listen with all my being. I found that it could wipe away all the emotions of fear and confusion relating to my family." Eric Clapton
#3
the first sentence drags on for too long with no punctuation which makes it hard to follow.

the apposition in the final lines is worded vaguely and can stirr some confusion in the reader's mind. "watch friends eat and imagine how great the novel must be". it's natural: i'd say the second part of the sentence could also be read with friends being the subject. ex: "watch friends eat and drink milk". because new characters are introduced the final bit could be seen as an extension of what they are doing. i know its obvious you're talking about you imagining, there are authors who effectively use this technique, but i tripped up while reading it; i'm sure it's not intentional vagueness.

apart from that, the sentiment behind this is pretty human and honestly, because of the nature of the topic, i should be able to relate to it, but it didn't do much for me. i think some of the emotion didn't make it through the plain narrative tone you have here. but yeah, it's the postmodernist style and all.

i did much enjoy your wotw though :]
#4
lol. Take heed S&L. Take heed...
--------------------i'm definitely the alphaest male here--------------------