#1
I don't know. I just decided to write what came into my brain - no editing, no pre-thought, no re-read until it's posted. Inspired by Allen's Comp.


She speaks in sorbet flavours,
whisping between oranges and
strawberries and green smiles.
Floating between days,
excited for tomorrows
and todays.

She's saving all her nickels in
styrofoam coffee cups
discarded by society's elite.
Day by day,
she sings her life song
to the pigeons in the park
that haven't seen the south pole
with their clan.
Happy songs
happy days,
she pays for the pigeon's college
and sends it south for the winter;
then spends all day feeling better
about herself and others
and buying the orphaned children
all the flavours of ice-cream and
sorbet that her nickels could afford.

And now her smile fades
and her tongue speaks in
black licorice flavours,
and her nickel cup has formed a hole;
and now she's empty
and orphans starve
and she reaches puberty
and sees the world.
#3
I really liked this. It's a nice break from the doom-and-gloom depressing posts that dominate this thread. It actually inspired me to write a few lines (not in a rip-off kind of way, just the feel of it.)
#5
This is excellent, very good imagery- especially all the sweet references. I'm picking up some Tori Amos/Kate Bush in this (which is a sincere compliment). Only suggestion I have would maybe to emit "Puberty" from the second last line- it seems to throw it off a bit in my opinion. Other than that, great job!

LL
#6
I love writing like this, I write mostly all my pieces this way and because I like it so much, more than anything I hope you enjoyed writing this.

Content wise, I had a lot of fun reading it. So much fun, yet the piece, particularly the last stanza, particularly particularly the last two lines, express such a truth and such a dark one, it really shakes you when you realize what's going on. The contrast between beginning and end is bittersweet, I think. I kinda feel like the whole thing should have had a darker undertone to it, yet another part of me likes the quick transition right at the end. I kinda wanted it to hit me harder. I feel kinda watery, if that make any sense whatsoever, which it probably doesn't. Meh, I'm torn. I enjoyed it all the same.

Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black
Last edited by Ganoosh at Aug 23, 2010,
#7
Quote by Ganoosh
I love writing like this, I write mostly all my pieces this way and because I like it so much, more than anything I hope you enjoyed writing this.



Yeah, I did enjoy writing this. I write all of my pieces in one sitting with no looking back... but I usually re-read/edit them before posting them. That was the only real difference. I can't remember the last time I sat down with an idea in my head that I wanted to write about... its always off the cuff with no agenda.


Give me links and if you left more than: "that was nice *link*" I'll get back to you soon.
#8
The dark shift at the end surprised me in a nice way. I like the ending especially because when I was reading this I had a totally different idea in my head as to what this was about. I was thinking more along the lines of the fakeness of humanity, girls acting sickly sweet and all sugary when inside they're just empty and hollow etc, but of course that doesn't work with the ending. Childhood innocence summed up in icecream. I like it a lot. I will say the last two lines were maybe a little too obvious for my liking though. If you change it or drop it, it gives it a nice sort of ambiguity to end on, leaving it more open to interpretation than it is now. It's up to you of course.

I've got a new one up if you're interested. It's called "Story Time for the Great Divine". I'll edit in a link if it falls off the front page.
#9
Why Zach, why!. The first two stanza (especially the second) had some great concrete ideas that just needed to be developed a little further, and you have obtained a great, heart-felt piece that had a bit of satire within it. But you deviated from that a bit too much, and instead of giving us the readers, a real punch in the end, we get something else that didn't really make much of a dent. I highly recommend you rewrite the third stanza!

everything else was very good Zach but the last two lines of the first stanza didn't really add anything. It didn't work nearly as well as 'happy songs/ happy days'.

I will be back, until then try to have a go rewritting the third stanza, and I will add mroe thoughts on it.

It is a good piece, but that last stanza really prevented it from being a great piece. Give it a go.

Take care Zach.
#10
While the whole thing was nice and all, the only part I truly liked was the very first stanza.
Something about the way the rhythm and the rhyme worked together struck a chord in my head. But it isn't carried throughout the rest of the piece.

Reading the remainder of this, I was mostly sitting here, twitching, waiting for my next rhythm/rhyme fix, but it never came. As Dylan said, punctuation and line breaks slowed this down and kept the flow broken and uncomfortable.