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#1
Linky - http://uk.news.yahoo.com/38/20100823/ten-best-joke-at-edinburgh-festival-frin-e9a852e.html

Comedian Tim Vine's holiday one-liner has been named the funniest joke at this year's Edinburgh Festival Fringe.

He won the number one spot with the gag, "I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again."

The quick-firing Londoner was awarded with a prize created by digital TV channel Dave, whose panel of comedy critics heard 7,200 jokes before selecting a shortlist of the best and worst - which they then put to a public vote.


Top ten best jokes judged at the Edinburgh Festival Fringe
1) Tim Vine - "I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again."

2) David Gibson - "I'm currently dating a couple of anorexics. Two birds, one stone."

3) Emo Philips - "I picked up a hitchhiker. You've got to when you hit them."

4) Jack Whitehall - "I bought one of those anti-bullying wristbands when they first came out. I say 'bought', I actually stole it off a short, fat ginger kid."

5) Gary Delaney - "As a kid I was made to walk the plank. We couldn't afford a dog."

6) John Bishop - "Being an England supporter is like being the over-optimistic parents of the fat kid on sports day."

7) Bo Burnham - "What do you call a kid with no arms and an eyepatch? Names."

8) Gary Delaney - "Dave drowned. So at the funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebelt. Well, it's what he would have wanted."

9) Robert White - "For Vanessa Feltz, life is like a box of chocolates: empty."

10) Gareth Richards - "Wooden spoons are great. You can either use them to prepare food, or, if you can't be bothered with that, just write a number on one and walk into a pub…"


And the worst…
Sara Pascoe - "Why did the chicken commit suicide? To get to the other side."

Sean Hughes - "You know city-centre beat officers... Well are they police who rap?"

John Luke Roberts - "I made a Battenberg where the two colours ran alongside each other. I called it apartheid sponge."

Emo Philips - "I like to play chess with bald men in the park although it's hard to find 32 of them."

Bec Hill - "Some of my best friends are vegan. They were going to come today but they didn't have the energy to climb up the stairs."



So to add a bit of discussion, what is the best and worst one liner you have ever heard?
#2
Tim Vine is a genius when it comes to silly jokes.

"I wanted to be a milkman, right - but I didn't have the bottle!!"

"I've played football on a plane you know....there I was, running up the wing!!!"

"Black beauty, now there's a dark horse!!!"

"So I went into this video shop, and the man asked if I'd like to rent Batman Forever - I said 'No...just for 2 hours!!!!!!' "

"This man pushed me into a bag of peanuts, so I told the police - they asked me if I was assaulted - I said 'No - dry roasted!!!' "

"I went to the butchers the other day and the butcher said 'I bet you £5 you can't guess the weight of that meat on the top shelf'. ' I'm not gambling!' I said, 'The steaks are too high!!!!!!'

"I was in a Chinese restaurant when a duck came up to me with a rose and
said: 'Your eyes sparkle like the stars'. So I said to the waiter: 'Excuse me, I ordered aromatic duck!!!!!!'

"I threw some snow at my girlfriend. She didn't catch my drift."

"Did you hear Handel has teamed up with Hinge and Bracket? They've formed The Doors!!!!!"

"I was taking the motorway out of London. A policeman pulled me over and said: 'Put it back'

"I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two schoolbags - he's bisatchel!!!! "

"I've got a sponge door....don't knock it."

"I've got an auntie, Auntie Aircraft Gun. That woman don't half give me a load of flak."

"So I took my dog for a walk and it was really angry - well it would be it's a cross breed!!"

"I tell you what is close to my heart at the moment. My left lung."

"So I said to my Mum 'I'm going to the funfair' - she said 'Oooooh will you go on the Ghostrain?' - I said 'No, I'll walk'"

"I had a cat called Minton who swallowed a shuttlecock. I said 'Bad Minton!'"

"I saw a bargain the other day, a TV set for £1. Only problem was the volume control which was stuck on full. Come on, how can you turn that down?"

"I used to go shoplifting on the shoulders of a load of vampires. Then I got caught and charged with burglary on three counts!"

"So I went to Buckingham Palace to cut Prince William's hair. I said to the policeman, 'Can you let me in to the car park, I'm here to cut Prince William's hair?' The policeman said 'Have you got a permit?' - I said, 'No, just a bit off the back!!!!' "

"He said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library.' I thought 'That's a turn-up for the books."

"And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking money to him. I said 'Do you earn a living doing that?' He said 'Yes, this is my livelihood.'

"So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'"

"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."

"So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said 'I want to buy an ice-cream'. He said Hundreds & thousands?' I said 'We'll start with one.' He said 'Knickerbocker glory?' I said 'I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.'

I went to Millets and said 'I want to buy a tent.' He said 'To camp?', I said [butchly] 'Sorry, I want to buy a tent.' I said 'I also want to buy a caravan.' He said 'Camper?' I said [campily] 'Make your mind up.'

So I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died.'"

"Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual'. And the dentist said to me 'Mr Vine, get out of the filing cabinet.'"

"So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.'"

"So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'"

"So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

"Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it's Colin."

"So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said "You've been promoted again.' And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I said 'I careered off the road.'
YNWA
Last edited by tattyreagh at Aug 23, 2010,
#3
I entered the Young Musician of the Year earlier today.
She was lovely.


I can't remember who said it, but he was opening for Paddy McGuiness. Only thing I can remember from his act.
FALKIRK

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#5
#3,4,5,7 are great

Emo Philips - "I like to play chess with bald men in the park although it's hard to find 32 of them."

I thought this one on the 'worst' list was pretty funny

Holy crap, it was out of 7200 jokes? How did most of them get through?

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Last edited by Kilobyte at Aug 23, 2010,
#6
That Sean Hughes joke has to be the worst I've ever heard. Not even "so bad it's funny" just really bad.
YNWA
#7
7) Bo Burnham - "What do you call a kid with no arms and an eyepatch? Names."


Lol
#10
Those who have crossed
With direct eyes, to death's other Kingdom
Remember us - if at all - not as lost
Violent souls, but only
As the hollow men
The stuffed men.
#11
I agree, these jokes are lame. Except for the kid with the eye patch.

That Tim Vine guy is probably a big Carrot Top fan.
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#12
Quote by Random88
I entered the Young Musician of the Year earlier today.
She was lovely.



The expression on her face ....
#13
I prefer the bad jokes to the good ones to be honest
Quote by SteveHouse
Also you're off topic. This thread is about Reva eating snowmen.
#15
2) David Gibson - "I'm currently dating a couple of anorexics. Two birds, one stone."

Thought that one was pretty good.
The plan was to drink until the pain over.
But what's worse, the pain or the hangover?
Who am I? I'm a titan so be expectin' a clash.
#16
Sara Pascoe - "Why did the chicken commit suicide? To get to the other side."
Emo Philips - "I like to play chess with bald men in the park although it's hard to find 32 of them."
Those were the 2 best of the bunch.
And you Brits have a superiority complex about your humor???????
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#17
Quote by CoreysMonster
those are some of the worst jokes I've ever heard.

Yup. I found #5 and #7 funny, but apart from that... eh.
#18
Quote by TheQuailman
Yup. I found #5 and #7 funny, but apart from that... eh.

Still better than Mario Barth, though.
#19
Quote by Jackal58
Sara Pascoe - "Why did the chicken commit suicide? To get to the other side."
Emo Philips - "I like to play chess with bald men in the park although it's hard to find 32 of them."
Those were the 2 best of the bunch.
And you Brits have a superiority complex about your humor???????


Do we?

Personally i think the chicken one is crap. The chess one aint bad.

I'm a fan of funny jokes, be it British, American or some other form of humour
#20
Quote by Jackal58
Sara Pascoe - "Why did the chicken commit suicide? To get to the other side."
Emo Philips - "I like to play chess with bald men in the park although it's hard to find 32 of them."
Those were the 2 best of the bunch.
And you Brits have a superiority complex about your humor???????

To be fair, they're all pretty shit examples.
I'LL PUNCH A DONKEY IN THE STREETS OF GALWAY
#21
Quote by CoreysMonster
Still better than Mario Barth, though.

He has his moments. When he stops trying to be funny and is just a dick. But yeah. I could've done without fününününününü.
#22
You English people have terrible senses of humour. Atleast us Americans can make good jokes.
Quote by L2112Lif
I put a ton of my capital into SW Airlines... The next day, THE NEXT DAY these nutters fly into the WTC. What the hell? Apparently no one wanted to fly anymore, and I was like "What gives? God damnit Osama, let me win a fuggin' game!"
#23
Quote by whalepudding
To be fair, they're all pretty shit examples.

But they made the top 10!!!!!!!
Who were the judges? Helen Keller's offspring?
Quote by SomeoneYouKnew
You should be careful what you say. Some asshole will probably sig it.

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Yup, a girl went up to me in my fursuit one time.

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I can fap to this. Keep going.
#25
I think they're prety funny though
I haven't heard much comedy in english, I'm from Belgium, so they were pretty new to me
#26
Quote by Jackal58
But they made the top 10!!!!!!!
Who were the judges? Helen Keller's offspring?

The best examples of British comedy probably weren't performing at the Edinburgh Fringe.

And Tim Vine has some brilliant one-liners, they're just floating around in a giant sea of awful puns that barely work.
I'LL PUNCH A DONKEY IN THE STREETS OF GALWAY
Last edited by whalepudding at Aug 23, 2010,
#27
Quote by IRISH_PUNK13
You English people have terrible senses of humour. Atleast us Americans can make good jokes.

The country that gave birth to such things as "Friends" should better be quiet in this thread.
#28
Quote by Jackal58
Sara Pascoe - "Why did the chicken commit suicide? To get to the other side."
Emo Philips - "I like to play chess with bald men in the park although it's hard to find 32 of them."
Those were the 2 best of the bunch.
And you Brits have a superiority complex about your humor???????

Humour is subjective. Race does not affect humour. etc etc yadda yadda

Some British garb is funny e.g. Fawlty Towers, IT Crowd, The Peep Show

Some is the biggest load of bull e.g. Little Britain, Catherine Tate Show, Gavin and Stacey...

Well... that's still mostly my opinion. Some people prefer it the other way round (but those people are often dim, couch potatoes >__>

In the same respect, some American comedy is HILARIOUS. Some makes me cringe. Hard.
Quote by SteveHouse
Also you're off topic. This thread is about Reva eating snowmen.
#29
Wenn ist das Nunstruck git und Slotermeyer? Ja! Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput!

I'll just leave that.
Quote by SomeoneYouKnew
You should be careful what you say. Some asshole will probably sig it.

Quote by Axelfox
Yup, a girl went up to me in my fursuit one time.

Quote by Xiaoxi
I can fap to this. Keep going.
#30
I feel ashamed I come from the same country as those people.

Especially Jack Whitehall.

Cunt.
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#31
Quote by RevaM1ssP1ss
Humour is subjective. Race does not affect humour. etc etc yadda yadda

Some British garb is funny e.g. Fawlty Towers, IT Crowd, The Peep Show

Some is the biggest load of bull e.g. Little Britain, Catherine Tate Show, Gavin and Stacey...

Well... that's still mostly my opinion. Some people prefer it the other way round (but those people are often dim, couch potatoes >__>

In the same respect, some American comedy is HILARIOUS. Some makes me cringe. Hard.

I know. I just wanted to make a broad sweeping generalization.
Quote by SomeoneYouKnew
You should be careful what you say. Some asshole will probably sig it.

Quote by Axelfox
Yup, a girl went up to me in my fursuit one time.

Quote by Xiaoxi
I can fap to this. Keep going.
#32
Quote by TheQuailman
The country that gave birth to such things as "Friends" should better be quiet in this thread.


What does friends have to do with this? I thought the thread was about comedy.
Quote by L2112Lif
I put a ton of my capital into SW Airlines... The next day, THE NEXT DAY these nutters fly into the WTC. What the hell? Apparently no one wanted to fly anymore, and I was like "What gives? God damnit Osama, let me win a fuggin' game!"
#33
Quote by WaitWhat?
I feel ashamed I come from the same country as those people.

Especially Jack Whitehall.

Cunt.


He annoys the **** out of me too.

These were just the pick of one-liner jokes from some shitty thing in edinburgh, not a representation of british humour
#34
Quote by Jackal58
Wenn ist das Nunstruck git und Slotermeyer? Ja! Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput!

I'll just leave that.

*dies from excessive laughter*
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bodyheatseeker, I will NEVER forgive you.

#35
To be fair, one liners are never going to be a great representation of British humour. I mean they can only be so funny
#36
Quote by Jackal58
Wenn ist das Nunstruck git und Slotermeyer? Ja! Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput!

I'll just leave that.

great success!
#38
Quote by Jackal58
Sara Pascoe - "Why did the chicken commit suicide? To get to the other side."
Emo Philips - "I like to play chess with bald men in the park although it's hard to find 32 of them."
Those were the 2 best of the bunch.
And you Brits have a superiority complex about your humor???????



I do remind you Emo Philips is a yank.
Lets All Goto Mars: The I The FLAMING LIPS Club
#39
Quote by IRISH_PUNK13
What does friends have to do with this? I thought the thread was about comedy.

It's an example of another poorly written American sitcom, though I do sometimes find it funny, it's not really funny funny.
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