#1
have you?

i feel the worst of stabs and emotions
waiting for the blade
to slip in by some invisible hand;
my hand on the handle, yours on the blade.
'will it hurt?'

you kissed my cheek and
ran home out of sight without letting me say thank you,
i love you
doing the same thing. i made you cry that
year. i think you still liked me

the notes say so clearly -
grudged to my ankles and forehead.
all those things you gave me are somewhere
with semen covered bandanas

i write this knowing what
the passed pushs to my chest,
an empty gesture and handful of reminders,
i write this knowing i don't feel anything now,
only the napes of emotions still hang in my heart

i write this for the people i hurt when i loved them
more than anything.

revised aug. 25
Last edited by hippieboy444 at Aug 25, 2010,
#2
Perhaps "stabs of emotion" up there? And "pushes" down there.

And yes, I have. It's almost too easy for me to relate.
the only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones that never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn


#3
Very dark, but I like dark material myself. Perhaps a bit more focus on the structure? That should make it flow a bit better I think.

On a side note... I read "with semen covered bandanas" as "with semen covered bananas" first time round and took a double take. Definitely made more sense the second time! Hehe

LL
#4
all those things you gave me are somewhere,
with semen covered bandanas.

That was the only part that really stood out. The rest was kinda like blahvucfncyswnjknack, which translates to "bland". I like the whole "unsent letter" thing, and I love the title because a lot of people really do make a habit of sadness. Or of anger. Nice overall.
Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black
#5
i guess it's meant to bland - sadness is bland, and it's based on true events. I don't know how much i can change in it
#6
Quote by hippieboy444
i guess it's meant to bland - sadness is bland, and it's based on true events. I don't know how much i can change in it


There are different flavours of bland. There's the type of bland where you don't make any line stand out... you don't make the words peppy, you don't deliver strong lines, etc. There is also the type of bland where when I finish reading the piece, I don't give a shit at all that I just read it. I want to... but what you delivered is so lifeless on the page that it doesn't effect me at all. Whether it is based on true events or not, this piece was the latter. You had a story to tell... and I suppose you delivered it, but you didn't leave any breadcrumbs behind for me to follow you into the forest of your story. Instead I was watching a diorama of broken teenage hearts; complete with finger painted blackened skies and melodramatic music humming through old lo-fi speakers.

Nothing popped or resonates here. They are all just words and they never coalesce into a fluid motion. I think if you make the effort to step back and look at this as someone not involved you should be able to pick up on it. Detach yourself and just read it while thinking about something other than your internal knowledge of the piece... you can see that its a highlight reel of people walking down the street instead of a highlight reel of a tense relationship gone awry and the urge to jump off of tall buildings that accompanies it.

I'm sorry that I can't just point at a line and be like, "here... this is what sucks," but its not that simple here. Something is wrong. Something doesn't click. Only you can really re-write this and bring it to life... since only you really have insider information.
#8
I always hate critiquing after Zach, he's much better at it than I am, so I have not read his, nor any one else's critique. If i repeat something someone already said I apologise.

Quote by hippieboy444
have you?

fifteen years,
without shoes.
ok, first things first why the h-e-double-l is there a comma on the first line. For one, it's absolutely terrible grammar, and for two, it completely nullifies the point of having a line break. Punctuation is trick, which is why I so rarely use it. Used well, it;s a brilliant device that can make a piece but used badly, it really detracts from the overall product. Sometimes it's just not worth the risk. Anyway...
on sidewalks, in pictures, in words
i feel the worst of stabs and emotions
This is pretty badly worded, it really stumbles over itself. Also you had a full stop, then didn't capitalise the next line? also, with what you're saying in the third line there shouldn't actually be a full stop on the second line. I'm not usually a Nazi, and I'm not really being here, it's just that in cases lie this the punctuation really does draw away from the flow. I'd lose it all together personally.
mostly self inflicted, or waiting for the blade
to slip in by some invisible hand.
I'm having some trouble with following what's happening here. It's mainly the tense issue of saying "you feel the worst of stabs and emotions" then "or waiting for". Read those lines one after the other and you'll see what I mean, it's just confusing.

you kissed my cheek and
ran home, out of sight
without letting me say thank you,
i love you,
doing the same thing. i made you cry that
year. more than once. i think you still liked me
the notes say so.
all those things you gave me are somewhere,
with semen covered bandanas.
I liked this stanza, except it's far too disjointed. You've got two things working against you. One, the line breaks. They are really really jarring when you end it half way or just before the end of the sentence like that. And two, each sentence feels like a separate thing, there's no flow from sentence to sentence, it's like I'm being shot at, but from ten different types of guns.

i write this knowing what
the passed pushs to my chest, Do you mean "past pushs"? "passed pushs" would mean pushes that have passed before, which doesn't make sense in the context of this stanza.
an empty gesture or handful of reminders,
tears. i write this knowing i don't feel anything.
i write this for the people i hurt when i loved them
more than anything, i'm sorry
you'll never read this.

Hang on, what do you mean you don't feel anything? How can you make a habit out of sadness, how can you say this piece is about feeling sad when you just told me that you feel nothing? So if you feel nothing, why should I feel anything for you? It's possible to sympathise with someone who feels nothing, or to hate them, but you haven't given me either emotion here. Instead I'm left feeling indifferent, unaffected, which is a shame because this should be powerful stuff. At the moment it's just so, nothing. And not that sort of nothing that you look at it after and feel like you've stared into the abyss and it punched you in the face. The sort of nothing that really is just nothing. And all that's lacking is a concrete emotional focus for yourself as a writer, and for what you want the reader to feel. because when you know what you feel and what you want the reader to feel, then you're unstoppable.


Ok, that's all I got. Sorry for being rough.

I've got a new one up, "Story Time for the Great Divine". If it drops off the front page I'll edit in the link. Keep writing, hippieboywhosnameialwaysforget, I do read your stuff.