#1
After seven long and dry months, I'm finally starting a new album. This is the title track, the first one I've written. It's going to be a spoken word piece, based around the tune of the old english song "Lavender's Blue". Thoughts much appreciated. Pretty much ots, only minimal edits. c4c.


Story Time for the Great Divine


Night
ten to be precise
husbands rush home to wives
cold dinners to dine and three week old wine
buried under the magazines, drama queens posed
perky yet dainty, now stained with time and gravy
airbrushed faces straining beneath the stains to be engaging
and failing
miserably

the king is in his counting house
while the beggar women outside paint the sign of the cross
over the sign of his face, now smiling like some strange parody of the crucifixion
with the saviour high on love and pain, smiling to the heavens as he cries god’s name
saying “fuck me but these things of yours are in-freakin-sane”

saints sing
ageless angels dance
down below the old guy prances around his domain
like some ancient caretaker now truly losing his hold on sanity
acting like gravity is only a theory
floating through the ceiling
cackling wailing and cheering
as god looks down, scratching his head
brain reeling
trying to work out where all his scheming
went so wrong


lavenders are blue
and roses are red
but heaven knows heaven is nothing but a bedtime story
to give some idea of glory where history fails
and children are left manning the masts and sails
stuck on a course plotted straight to their destruction
by careless minds before, one foot in and out the door
one hand on the roof, the other on the floor
crying out for rain while outside it’s still pouring
heads held high while the bullets fly

dawn
four to be precise
husbands kiss their wives
try not to wake them, before reality comes to break them
and slowly walk out the door
Last edited by kdownes at Aug 24, 2010,
#2
You've changed a lot as a writer, and I think this is more like you wholly, where everything is counted and important. I've been trying to do that recently as well, but it's hard.

I especially like the pace and swagger of this. It isn't cocky or anything like that; it's more picturesque and swirly. And some of the imagery is quirky and almost funny. It makes for a very dry and dark read.

However, I'm having some trouble fully understanding it. I see the scenario of a family, and I see the religious connotations, but that's where it stops making sense for me. You've got two of the verses opening with a nursery rhyme excerpt, you've got a caretaker, children... it's all a bit confusing.
Last edited by AngryGoldfish at Aug 25, 2010,
#3
the flow on this is kicking, kyle. my god. i remember you a long time ago and this is just impressive. hope to read you more.
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#4
Thank you both so much. I've been going through such a long dry spell that I'd all but lost hope and faith in my writing abilities, so it's great to hear that, if anything, I'm better than I used to be.

Dan, this is basically my stereotypical ranting about the state of society today. The "caretaker" is a reference to the devil. It's basically just saying "how the hell did we end up here and what have we got left?" The use of the nursery rhymes is to create a juxtaposition of the innocence of children amidst this world that's falling apart around them.
#5
Quote by kdownes
Dan, this is basically my stereotypical ranting about the state of society today. The "caretaker" is a reference to the devil. It's basically just saying "how the hell did we end up here and what have we got left?" The use of the nursery rhymes is to create a juxtaposition of the innocence of children amidst this world that's falling apart around them.
... oh yeah, I thought that.

Great work, again.
#6
saying “**** me but these things of yours are in-freakin-sane”

I hated that line. Mostly the ending. It reminds me of shitty rap songs where they toss in the colloquialisms of the younger generation to make it catchy and relatable. That's the vibe I got from it... because it's the only part that seems off in that manner.


To be frank, I don't feel this deserves me going through this and sifting through it. Its got a nice vibe and bounce... and the flow is admirable. Like they said, I sense a major change in writing style. This seems effortless: it just is and it seems like there is no other way it could be. Your old work was nice and had some nice torque to it... but it never seems simple. It always seemed too complex... a little unnatural and almost like you had to bleed it out. This had a a nice airy and open feel to it, where I can see your mind and you as a writer instead of your contrived stories. It's nice.

If I said this was my favorite thing from you would be a total lie. This, as a standalone piece, isn't that eye-popping or mind-boggling or any other hyphenated expression which shows that my literary penis was erected by your piece. It simply is and was. It does what it set out to do... but it lacks pop and circumstance to rock worlds. Nothing here really screams "Wow... you've got to read me again and again." It is a good piece though. It's just shy of great... but with a good track behind it, I think you'll be in a nice place. Especially if you manage to read it in a zen way that makes me chill out and think about things sucking.