#1
smoke dissipates so freely from your open mouth
hanging idly and giving birth to thick, swirling clouds
as if you were god and just breathing out sky
breathing out miles
breathing out
and away it goes, crawling along your curled up knees
forever lost and leaving only the smell...

i think about the words you speak so idly
they come out like your breaths and just consume
but eventually fade
their meaning dies quickly
leaving only the gloom of memory i was tangled in before

sometimes i wish we were all french
things are more elegant that way
the smoke and words would float from my mouth and i'd timidly call back
inhale, inhale, they crawl back to their mother
afraid of causing any damage to the world around them
renee, they'd call me as my children reappeared
much lighter and less visible than before
the birth of my lungs
as i sit back and curl my toes under me.

i am so small in the world
Quote by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




e-married to
theguitarist
minterman22
tateandlyle
& alaskan_ninja

#2
I didn't like the repetition of idly. It might just be because I don't like the word, i dunno. I'd suggest keeping it in stanza one but using a different word in stanza two if possible. Personal preference of course. Apart from that, I really don't have any complaints. I've been really enjoying the direction your writing has taken lately and it's really a pleasure to read, miss Saadia. Keep them coming.

I've got a new one up if you think this actual deserves a return.
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1354153
#3
I'll think about the idly. I want to do so much more with this... there are a lot of intricate little things that are important that I feel I probably glossed over. idk. we'll see

<3
Quote by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




e-married to
theguitarist
minterman22
tateandlyle
& alaskan_ninja

#4
Something seemed wrong about this. It didn't flow together like your stuff usually does. You have this ethereal flow in your writing where your words just seem to kinda meld together, and I didn't think this had it.
Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black
#5
Marvelous. I love how this felt like thoughts, like I wasn't actually reading it, but you were thinking it to me, telepathically, while sitting somewhere and smoking. Wishing you were French seems like a very honest sentiment.
kill all humans
#6
i dont like idly twice the way it is.
i'm still kind of split on the whole french thing in general.
i haven't made the time to put too too much thought into this yet (hence the split on the french thing), but the sort of punch line endings usually don't work for me. kind of come off contrived etc. I think you could do it better just saying
...i sit back and curl my toes under me,
so small in the world.

if you feel like reading i got one up but im not too worried about it.
Anatomy Anatomy
Whale Blue Review

Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me
#7
the french thing is the center of the piece; idk what I'd do without it. the basis of renee (rebirth) as well as the metaphor around the french inhale
i agree that the line at the end seems contrived and i'll try and find a way to have it work in a bit better... also I could definitely work on the flow, but I suppose this one didn't come as quickly into forms as the others have in the past, and that may be what's causing the change in tone.
Quote by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




e-married to
theguitarist
minterman22
tateandlyle
& alaskan_ninja