#1
Hope you guys like it, its my first song! Or the first thing ive ever written that i feel like could have some value to it. Here it is. Don't hold back! tear it up, this is the internet.
(C4C)

From the dust, we became blood.
Molecules we measure in mud.
Made a few advances, maybe,
Or are we all just the same as we were?

Either time, the start or before it,
We were still at the bottom.
Then we fell oh yes we fell
Into a world we drive through today, slowly.

Was there a spark in the beginning?
Or are you all just facets of myself.
So whats alive and what ain't living?
It seems useless to ask anyone else.

Because they'll talk and talk and talk it over,
Until all their faces match the sky.
And we're left wondering still.

We are all just wandering, wondering still.
Seems like that's just the way we were made.
Yeah that's how they made me.
That's just the way they made.
I believe in Rock and Roll. Can I get an Amen?

Quote by rizo299
A drunk guy on the the bus asked me if i remembered the 60's. I told him i was 17 then he told me that everyone remembers the 60's.

I thought about it, and frankly, I couldn't fault his logic.
Last edited by original_idiot at Aug 25, 2010,
#2
Quote by original_idiot
Hope you guys like it, its my first song! Or the first thing ive ever written that i feel like could have some value to it. Here it is. Don't hold back! tear it up, this is the internet.

From the dust, we became blood. << Powerful line here.
Molecules we measure in mud.
Made a few advances, maybe,
^^^try to rhyme, maybe make it,
Made a few advances, sure,
Or are we all just the same as we were?

Either time, the start or before it,
We were still at the bottom.
Then we fell oh yes we fell
^^I know it's not a great rhyme but again, try.
Then we fell, oh yes, we fell for it
Into a world we drive through today, slowly.
^^A rhyme would help this line, it's good, but seems to be a speed bump in the flow.

Was there a spark in the beginning?
Or are you all just facets of myself.
So whats alive and what ain't living?
It seems useless to ask anyone else.
^^great stanza right there, might be my favorite.

Because they'll talk and talk and talk it over,
Until all their faces match the sky.
And we're left wondering still.
^^^maybe rhyme?
And we're left moving even slower..

We are all just wandering, wondering still.
Seems like that's just the way we were made.
Yeah that's how they made me.
That's just the way they made.


overall i think it's a good piece, just need's a little bit of work.
i know it may seem a little awkward to wright a piece that rhymes a whole lot, but just try it, if it interrupts the flow, then take it out, but most times rhyming seems to help.
i give it a 7/10 good work, keep wrighting
C4C? (Crit4Crit?)
#3
Thanks so much! I'm going to go through it now and see if i can improve the flow some. Maybe try to link it together a little better. and sure, ill have a look at your stuff.
I believe in Rock and Roll. Can I get an Amen?

Quote by rizo299
A drunk guy on the the bus asked me if i remembered the 60's. I told him i was 17 then he told me that everyone remembers the 60's.

I thought about it, and frankly, I couldn't fault his logic.