#1
C4C?
I'm still thinking of re-working the verses a little bit, but what I have so far, I thought was pretty good, so i figured I would share it with my good buddies here at UG

.:NEW VERSION:.
Wait.
I've walked on this cold floor,
I've seen this all before,
Continuous yelling, you declare war,
All over when you slammed the door

The sequel never outdoes the original,
They can take it all back, You're still left with that hole,
These few words, I just had to let you know that,
The sequel never outdoes the original.

I've tried time and time again,
To escape this horror I'm stuck in.
Now I'm here gettin' drunk on gin,
I'm thinkin' love is just one big sin.

The sequel never outdoes the original,
They can take it all back, You're still left in the hole,
These few words, I just had to let you know that,
The sequel never outdoes the original.

I always try to love you,
believe me I really do.
I'm not leaving you in the dust,
But what is gone, is just our trust.

I don't miss you or love you, glad you left my home,
I just wish I got it sooner, I wish I had known.
All the words you told me,
All the right's you wronged.
The lies I believed and you're filthy violent tone.

All the pain is over,
I'm done with all the lies,
I've only got one hope,
that this love dies.

The sequel never outdoes the original,
They can take it all back, You're still left with that hole,
These few words, I just had to let you know that,
The sequel never outdoes the original.


.:ORIGINAL:.
(tentative Verse below)
Wait.
I've walked on this cold floor,
I've seen this all before,
Remember when you slammed the door?
Few seconds later, I hit the floor.

The sequel never outdoes the original,
They can take it all back, You're still left in the hole,
These few words, I just had to let you know that,
The sequel never outdoes the original.

I've tried time and time again,
To escape this horror I'm stuck in.
Now I'm here gettin' drunk on gin,
I'm thinkin' love is just a big sin.

The sequel never outdoes the original,
They can take it all back, You're still left in the hole,
These few words, I just had to let you know that,
The sequel never outdoes the original.

I always try to love you,
believe me I really do.
I'm not leaving you in the dust,
It's just that me and her are a must.

The sequel never outdoes the original,
They can take it all back, You're still left in the hole,
These few words, I just had to let you know that,
The sequel never outdoes the original.


please crit, i always C4C
Last edited by Caboose911 at Oct 20, 2010,
#2
Overall i really liked it. The idea/mood behind it is appealing and easy to relate to.

I like the use of repetition in the chorus, and how it kind of plays with "the sequel" by putting it at the beginning and end. Its kind of a cool ironic sort of deal.

One thing you may want to rethink is the rhyme scheme. I know, like you said, rhymes are good but maybe mix it up a bit. Maybe instead of AAAA try throwing in some variation. Although the same ending for a whole stanza can be a good tool, you dont need to take it all away.

So, just a little rough around the edges but on the whole a likable piece for sure. Id give it 7.5/10! But who am i to tell you, you know if you like it then keep it.

Peace
I believe in Rock and Roll. Can I get an Amen?

Quote by rizo299
A drunk guy on the the bus asked me if i remembered the 60's. I told him i was 17 then he told me that everyone remembers the 60's.

I thought about it, and frankly, I couldn't fault his logic.
#3
Wait.
I've walked on this cold floor,
I've seen this all before,
Remember when you slammed the door?
Few seconds later, I hit the floor.
These last two lines don't really flow all that well. You need something more, thought out. Maybe something more like...
Continuous yelling, you declare war,
Ending with the slam of the door

Of course that's just ''top of my head'' so I'm sure you can come up with something better

The sequel never outdoes the original, Originals always outdoes the sequels
They can take it all back, You're still left in the hole, And now we're no longer equal
These few words, I just had to let you know that,
The sequel never outdoes the original.
And really those lines you had weren't too bad, those lines just came to my head (actually before I finished reading the first line :p )

I've tried time and time again,
To escape this horror I'm stuck in.
Now I'm here gettin' drunk on gin,
I'm thinkin' love is has just a big sin. Begun
I know that doesn't really rhyme, I just thought it sounded good at the time. But really this stanza is really the best so far

I always try to love you,
believe me I really do.
I'm not leaving you in the dust,
It's just that me and her are a must.
This last rhyme here is far too forced. I can't think of anything off the top of my head, but even if you have to kill the rhyme, I think you need to re-write that line

Really I like the idea (though it is another one of those cliche love poems.) But really it is well writen for it's genre. And really I can't think of anything else to help you, it's all good Keep on Writing
Comments or Suggestions
Omit or Change
Suggested Changes


I am the 24 Wild Rovers
If You Wish to Give C4C Click on the Smlileys
:
#5
Quote by BloodCold
i really like this! for me verse1 is the best the only change i would suggest is the last 2 lines of verse3. i agree the sequel never outdoes the original...

c4c? my love song.
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1354051


thanks for the positive comments man ill crit your piece when I get to it
#6
Quote by Caboose911
C4C?
I'm still thinking of re-working the verses a little bit, but what I have so far, I thought was pretty good, so i figured I would share it with my good buddies here at UG

(tentative Verse below)
Wait.
I've walked on this cold floor,
I've seen this all before,
Remember when you slammed the door?
Few seconds later, I hit the floor.
Like you said, I'd work on this verse. I personally don't like the repetition of the word "floor" for rhyming.

The sequel never outdoes the original,
They can take it all back, You're still left in the hole,
These few words, I just had to let you know that,
The sequel never outdoes the original.

I've tried time and time again,
To escape this horror I'm stuck in.
Now I'm here gettin' drunk on gin,
I'm thinkin' love is just a big sin.
I think the last line here has one syllable too many

The sequel never outdoes the original,
They can take it all back, You're still left in the hole,
These few words, I just had to let you know that,
The sequel never outdoes the original.

I always try to love you,
believe me I really do.
I'm not leaving you in the dust,
It's just that me and her are a must.
This is the line where the meaning of the song actaully hit me like Optimus Prime emerging from the fog to slap me in the face. Very nice

The sequel never outdoes the original,
They can take it all back, You're still left in the hole,
These few words, I just had to let you know that,
The sequel never outdoes the original.

please crit, i always C4C


Very good work my buddy! ou have a good concept and conquered it well. Keep up the writing.
#9
Very nice concept. And I just can feel the heart of the song with each line. Well expressed.
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I love you.



#10
terminator 2.
--------------------i'm definitely the alphaest male here--------------------
#14
I played along to this just using 4/4 timing and 3 chords. I hope thats roughly how it was meant to be played/sung.

Overall I quite liked it, the chorus flowed well. Although I think that this bit:
They can take it all back, You're still left in the hole,
These few words, I just had to let you know that


You could have done with leaving the out the very last ''that'', as the word know half rhymes with hole. As someone else said, I think the idea of having ''The sequel never outdoes the original'' at the beginning and end of every chorus was a nice touch, it keeps some sort of consistency.

The only verse I had trouble singing a long to was the last one, which in my opinion is too short and lacks the same amount of syllables as the other verses. But whatever, you know how it's played and if it's fits, then they're decent enough to not let the whole song down.

I hope you catch my drift, I like the lyrics overall.

Could you possibly crit mine please? Link is below:
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1355672
#15
Overall I like what you've done. I just find that the chorus's over power the short verses. Just a little tweaking and it will be perfect.
Your opinion is just that, YOUR opinion. It doesn't make you right. It doesn't make you better. It doesn't make you god. Everyone has their own view and that view is neither right or wrong.

Ignorance destroys music.
#17
Quote by Caboose911
The sequel never outdoes the original,
They can take it all back, You're still with that hole,
These few words, I just had to let you know that,
The sequel never outdoes the original.


this bit doesn't really add anything to the story. I think it would be nicer to change it into something that actually 'tells' something, if you get what I mean .
You who build these altars now

To sacrifice these children
You must not do it anymore
#20
Thank you for critting my piece, "The Ignorant Cycle". I'm not really too good at the whole c4c. i'll just tell you what stood out the most. I do agree you should rethink the verses. Not the meaning of them, but the rhyme scheme. It's just something about the whole AAAA scheme that i dislike. Love chorus. It really stood out for me and I can see it being real catchy, and being a chorus that's the main objective. Overall, I like where you went with this. I'll give you a 8/10. Good job.
Quote by cpt_pimp
my last fail was breaking up with my gf.

that's going to suck for a while


Quote by leg end
Well, not really haha!


#21
Quote by popeye100
Thank you for critting my piece, "The Ignorant Cycle". I'm not really too good at the whole c4c. i'll just tell you what stood out the most. I do agree you should rethink the verses. Not the meaning of them, but the rhyme scheme. It's just something about the whole AAAA scheme that i dislike. Love chorus. It really stood out for me and I can see it being real catchy, and being a chorus that's the main objective. Overall, I like where you went with this. I'll give you a 8/10. Good job.

thanks for the positive feedback man its much appreciated. personally I don't like the rhyming scheme of the verses either. I'm gonna change it up, but I haven't found the words quite yet.
#22
Hey Caboose! I did a little editing on my poem The Ignorant Cycle that you critted on. Give it another look if you don't mind.
Quote by cpt_pimp
my last fail was breaking up with my gf.

that's going to suck for a while


Quote by leg end
Well, not really haha!