#1
Ok. So, I'm kind of new to the whole song writing thing. This is the first song that I've actually gotten somewhere with. Any suggestions will help. I wrote this song to help me lighten up about a break up and whatnot. So...here it is. As I've said...it needs work. A lot. Haha

I have not a word to say
on this sick ungrateful day
these thoughts burn a hole in my skull
yet I can't find the words they told

Just scream
until no air pours from your lungs
Just scream
so we may terrify true love

and one day while you're laying there
in your extra large bikini-wear
I hope that you regret the day
you turned your back on me

Just scream
until no air pours from your lungs
Just scream
so we may terrify true love

and if you say to me today you forgive
everything I did
well I'll say
run away
run away

These feelings I still have for you seem
way beyond untrue
the tears I've shed in bed will come back
time and time again

Just scream
until no air pours from your lungs
Just scream
so we may terrify true love

and if the only thing you say to me is
nothing more than just okay

I'll scream
until no air pours from my lungs
I'll scream
and I will terrify true love
Last edited by hyc33 at Aug 26, 2010,
#3
Quote by hyc33
Ok. So, I'm kind of new to the whole song writing thing. This is the first song that I've actually gotten somewhere with. Any suggestions will help. I wrote this song to help me lighten up about a break up and whatnot. So...here it is. As I've said...it needs work. A lot. Haha

I have not a word to say
on this sick ungrateful day
these thoughts burn a hole in my skull
yet I can't find the words they told
Personally, I'm not a fan of the last line. I'd have written it as something like "Yet I can't find the words to douse the flames"

Just scream
until no air pours from your lungs
Just scream
so we may terrify true love
Very catchy, very nice chorus

and one day while you're laying there
in your extra large bikini-wear
I hope that you regret the day
you turned your back on me

Just scream
until no air pours from your lungs
Just scream
so we may terrify true love

and if you say to me today you forgive
everything I did
well I'll say
run away
run away
I really liked this stanza!

These feelings I still have for you seem
way beyond untrue
the tears I've shed in bed will come back
time and time again

Just scream
until no air pours from your lungs
Just scream
so we may terrify true love

and if the only thing you say to me is
nothing more than just okay

I'll scream
until no air pours from my lungs
I'll scream
and I will terrify true love

Overall a good piece, especially for a first time. With work you could make this into a true masterpiece!
#4
Song stuck in my head, I would luv to compose the music for u but am a bit busy wit my own...
#5
Hey, thanks! =D I don't really know how I want it to sound yet though...so far, everything's been on acoustic. I'll probably bust out my electric later tonight and see what I come up with.
#7
read the rules. if you don't have a title, use "untitled" next time.

kfnxbi.
#8
ur better than me in songwriting. the part about the bikini sounds a little strange but otherwise its good.