#1
I can hardly feel it bringing about my demise!
Just shrug and turn away, absorb the lies!
Replace our heartbeat with a ticking bomb!
Try to pinch the fuse while the people run!
Silently shout for salvation our pleading eyes!
No one will care! No one's alive!

We breathe and eat but life eludes
We walk and talk but miss our cues
It's hardly living when life is like this
True or false... Hit or miss

We were living in a lie, we're living in a false life
We're all living in a lie (A lie we cannot disbelieve!)
You said it would be oh so sad, to let this chance pass by
But I doubt there's the ghost of a tear (Haunting your eyes!)

I need a change of scenery, a different circumstance
A different time and place to give it all another chance
Climb out of the graves we dig and live for one more day
Tear off the cloak of this false life we waste away

Etch it on our own tombstone as we sit and stare
We are the generation that was never really there
We go through all the motions but still life isn't clear
They say death is the end and yet it is our lives we fear

We were living in a lie, we're living in a false life
We're all living in a lie (A lie we cannot disbelieve!)
You said it would be oh so sad, to let this chance pass by
But I doubt there's the ghost of a tear (Haunting your eyes!)
We were living in a lie, we're living in a false life
We're all living in a lie (It's all a f*cking lie!)
We only get one chance to live but still we hardly try
To live the life we wanted. We may as well just lay down and die

Sick and tired! Of living on te scraps they throw away
So annoyed! At how we sit back and watch them play (God!)
It's time to shed our husks and live like we're alive!
It's time to take a stand and show them that we can survive!
On our own, we will thrive!

Never again to be repressed
Fight the good fight until we die
Die for real and not live a lie
Never more we'll be depressed
Destroy the cause and hope will bloom
Dispelling our enternal gloom

We were living in a lie, we're living in a false life
We're all living in a lie (A lie we cannot disbelieve!)
You said it would be oh so sad, to let this chance pass by
But I doubt there's the ghost of a tear (Haunting your eyes!)
We were living in a lie, we're living in a false life
We're all living in a lie (It's all a f*cking lie!)
We only get one chance to live but still we hardly try
To live the life we wanted. We may as well just lay down and die
Last edited by philmalone666 at Aug 27, 2010,
#2
Quote by philmalone666
I can hardly feel it bringing about my demise!
Just shrug and turn away, absorb the lies!
Replace our heartbeat with a ticking bomb!
No one will care! No one's alive!
^^I know this rhymes with the first 2 lines, but it doesn't seem to work right, interrupts the flow.

We breathe and eat but life eludes
We walk and talk but miss our cues
It's hardly living when life is like this
True or false... Hit or miss

We were living in a lie, we're living in a false life
We're all living in a lie (A lie we cannot disbelieve!)
^^I'm guessing brackets means screaming? this line doesn't seem to fit.
You said it would be oh so sad, to let ths chance pass by
But I doubt there's the ghost of a tear (Haunting your eyes!)
^^I like this line actually, makes you think.

I need a change of scenery, a different *circumstance*
A different time and place to give it all another chance
Climb out of the graves we dig and live for one more day
Tear off the cloak of this false life we waste away
^^For me, that was the best stanza. just one spelling error

Etch it on our own tombstone as we sit and stare
We are the generation that was never really there
We go through all the motions but still life isn't clear
They say death is the end yet it is our lives we fear
^^Scratch that, Best thing I've read in the whole forum right there!^^

We were living in a lie, we're living in a false life
We're all living in a lie (A lie we cannot disbelieve!)
You said it would be oh so sad, to let ths chance pass by
But I doubt there's the ghost of a tear (Haunting your eyes!)
We were living in a lie, we're living in a false life
We're all living in a lie (It's all a f*cking lie!)
We only get one chance to live but still we hardly try
To live the life we wanted. We may as well just lay down and die
^^I like how right here you tie it all together with previous lines of the lyric. it was really cool actually. love it.

Sick and tired! Of living on te scraps they throw away
So annoyed! At how we sit back and watch them play God!
^^God! interrupts the flow of that line, I know it fits, but maybe just take the word out completely?
It's time to shed our husks and live like we're alive!
It's time to take a stand and show them that we can survive!
On our own, we will thrive!

Never again to be repressed
Fight the good fight until we die
Die for real and not live a lie
Never more we'll be depressed
Destroy the cause and hope will bloom
Dispelling our enternal gloom

We were living in a lie, we're living in a false life
We're all living in a lie (A lie we cannot disbelieve!)
You said it would be oh so sad, to let *this* chance pass by
But I doubt there's the ghost of a tear (Haunting your eyes!)
We were living in a lie, we're living in a false life
We're all living in a lie (It's all a f*cking lie!)
We only get one chance to live but still we hardly try
To live the life we wanted. We may as well just lay down and die


wow bud. that's all I can say is wow. that piece had some of the best work I've seen in my time in the forum! it's just incredibly powerful. There we're a few parts that seemed to be speedbumps in the flow of it all, but besides those, oh my god, it was amazing.
9.5/10
C4C?
#4
@Caboose911
Thanks man. I think I actually left out a line or two in the first stanza, I remeber having something else there fter the bomb part.
And while incidentily the bracket's are screaming, it's just supposed to be supporting vocals, so it kinda melds in with what comes before to fit into the proper flow.
And on a similar note, "God!" was supposed to be supporting vocals so as not to interrupt the flow of te line.
On an unrelated note, I've been wondering this for a while. Is your name from the Red vs Blue character Caboose?

@Paydro91
Thanks, do you have any piece(s) you'd like me to critique?
#5
I like what you're saying, but I find it hard to follow at times. I love the first two stanza's. The rest doesn't seem to have the same fluidity as them however, they kinda just get longer and disrupt the flow of the words. That said, I really like this piece. I think you should revise it and make something really good out of it.
#6
I'm not much of a writer. I make the music in my band while our vocalist writes the lyrics. I play lead for my band. I do write once in a while so I'll post some of my stuff but they're no where close to this awesomeness lol.

I also wanna try and get away from writing "love" songs. I want to write about something else. any suggestions?
#9
Quote by Paydro91
I'm not much of a writer. I make the music in my band while our vocalist writes the lyrics. I play lead for my band. I do write once in a while so I'll post some of my stuff but they're no where close to this awesomeness lol.

I also wanna try and get away from writing "love" songs. I want to write about something else. any suggestions?


Well man, just let me know when you get a piece up, I'd love to see it. And as for suggestions, here's some ideas I never got anywhere with but you might be able to:
-Fighting a war and giving your life without anyone caring;
-Asking someone their last words just before you kill them;
-Being addicted to a food item;
-Feeling like you're lost in the middle of a vast ocean;
-Being born for failure;
-Comparing your life to a book;
-Giving up on yourself and;
-Seeking vengence for a precieved wrong doing

Or, if the creative bug still isn't biting you, I have several sets of lyrics that I started and then got stuck on, I can send you a couple of those it you want. All I ask is that you give me some credit if you do use them.
#11
Quote by philmalone666
Well man, just let me know when you get a piece up, I'd love to see it. And as for suggestions, here's some ideas I never got anywhere with but you might be able to:
-Fighting a war and giving your life without anyone caring;
-Asking someone their last words just before you kill them;
-Being addicted to a food item;
-Feeling like you're lost in the middle of a vast ocean;
-Being born for failure;
-Comparing your life to a book;
-Giving up on yourself and;
-Seeking vengence for a precieved wrong doing

Or, if the creative bug still isn't biting you, I have several sets of lyrics that I started and then got stuck on, I can send you a couple of those it you want. All I ask is that you give me some credit if you do use them.



Thanks I'll look into those themes once I finish with the one you and Caboose911 have helped on so far.