#1
I tried to come out with something very Van Halen-ish but at the same time, bluesy and old school. Tell me what you think.

They called me out to sunshine
and they stayed in when it rained
one last train back home
and I guess I'm pretty late

but I'm not worried
I can always walk instead
because rain or shine
its always 70 in my head

A glass of whiskey's all I need
to get this party started
so lets get out of here
because this town's uncharted

(Chorus)
Lets go out on the town
dont stay home and be blue
because rock n roll dont stop
your mama would tell you too

Dance the night away
and read the cards
lady luck is on your lap
maybe you'll get lucky tonight

One more shot till last call!
and I'm sittin in the corner
lookin' like way cool jr
and this girl's quite the talker

I already got her number
and her lipstick on my face
now she's walkin to my car
you should know what happens next

(Chorus)
Lets go out on the town
dont stay home and be blue
because rock n roll dont stop
your mama would tell you too

Dance the night away
and read the cards
lady luck is on your lap
maybe you'll get lucky tonight

(Guitar solo)

(Bridge)
Its saturday night
and I'm ready to rumble
line up the whiskey
and get ready to stumble

(Chorus)
Lets go out on the town
dont stay home and be blue
because rock n roll dont stop
your mama would tell you too

Dance the night away
and read the cards
lady luck is on your lap
maybe you'll get lucky tonight
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Last edited by RBM01991 at Aug 26, 2010,
#2
They called me out to sunshine
and they stayed in when it rained
one last train back home
and I guess I'm pretty late
This is not a strong enough start. The idea is also cliche. I also have no idea whom ''They" are and you never said who ''they'' are.You need some imagry to go along with your writing to make the reader seem like he lives your work. You need to try something more like...
This path is a long hard one
It is paived with the dead
The way home is the hardest still
The train has already left


but I'm not worried
I can always walk instead
because rain or shine
its always 70 in my head Now what the hell is 70? This is one of those things you need to explain or just leave out

A glass of whiskey's all I need
to get this party started
so lets get out of here
because this town's uncharted
Now this stanza is perfect. Much better than your last two. Keep this up

(Chorus)
Lets go out on the town
dont stay home and be blue This is one of those lines that doesn't sound all that bad but could be re-written. Just an idea that came to mind...
We can't stay home, being blue You see? It's not really that much of a change, but to me it sounds a bit better
because rock n roll dont won't stop I'm one of those people that prefer proper use of words
your mama would tell you too Really this doesn't sound bad but, I think you need to change it
And now it just came to me, this doesn't really match at all the story you've started. You are on the uncharted way home, but now you're trying to get out of the house? I'm lost

Dance the night away
and read the cards
lady luck is on your lap
maybe you'll get lucky tonight
Great stanza, I can kind of see how this fits the theme. If you want to shorten the poem, take this out and use it in another work.

One more shot till last call!
and I'm sittin in the corner
lookin' like way cool jr
and this girl's quite the talker

Either re-write or omit. It sounds like you're trying to say too much. By the way, this sounds like you're a girl. If you are, great, if not, you probably need to change that :p

I already got her number
and her lipstick on my face
now she's walkin to my car
you should know what happens next

There is no fix here. Just take it out

(Bridge)
Its saturday night
and I'm ready to rumble
line up the whiskey
and get ready to stumble
This could also use a re-write, but I really like the ''stumber'' part, it really matches the ''uncharted travel home'' theme you started in the first stanzas

Really I have no idea what this is about. It is complete caos and really has no plot, story, or even good imagry to keep me entertained. Now poetry to all up to the writer, but to my opinon, you need to work on your story. Though you did have a couple good stanzas. I can easily see how this could easily be changed into ''the uncharted travel home." Keep on Writing
Comments or Suggestions
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