#1
HE dreamt of a world where a fruit that grew from the mountain air chased away
all the pain and regret with the ferocity of the sun bringing on the day,
starving the night, and he drifted seaward in the scent of a million flowers
so new and so unexpectedly gorgeous, his world had not yet begun to name them.
AND with the conviction of the river to reach the pools of the falls
he forged a path where none existed,
though, the mysterious life that empowered the vegetation
and ran through every inch of leaf and tuber
which curled the forest over his footprints so he was never there at all--
a sleepwalker so lulled in his meditation
he was not even startled to the day.
SO for weeks the mountains flushed him
and for months the plains caressed him
and to the east he journeyed to where she found him
in the elbow of a willow tree on the grassy banks of a spectral creek,
the sky reflected in the water's leisurely pace,
meteor showered by glowing insects and his eyes
as she stirred him to wake
Anatomy Anatomy
Whale Blue Review

Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me
Last edited by jiminizzle at Oct 8, 2010,
#2
The general atmosphere and impression that this piece initially gave me seemed different to most, if not all, of the pieces you have written before. I would watch-out for the syntax error in the first line; you should probably shorten. Actually there are quite a few lines that I feel you should shorten by using line-breaks to increase the overall flow of the piece.

"SO for weeks the mountains flushed him
and for months the plains caressed him
and to the east he journeyed to where she found him
in the elbow of a willow tree on the grassy banks of a spectral creek,
the sky reflected in the water's leisurely pace,
meteor showered by glowing insects and his eyes
as she stirred him to wake"

This bit worked very well and I really enjoyed this, but to me, it seems that the middle bit kind of wandered on and off, particularly lines like:

"AND with the conviction of the water to reach the pools of the falls
he forged a path where none existed,
though, the mysterious life that empowered the vegetation
and ran through every inch of leaf and tuber
curled the forest over his footprints so he was never there at all-"

You had something interesting going on, and some parts worked well cohesively, but there were a few bits that wasn't quite focused enough.

Overall this was a refreshing piece by you, but try not to make the same mistakes as I did in the past and made it too opaque or diluted the overall meaning from the reader, which I do feel you kind of did here. You created a good environment by your imagery, but the environment wasn't significant in itself (if you know what I mean?)

Take care, and keep on pushing yourself.
Last edited by Bleed Away at Feb 20, 2011,
#3
jimi, you're back with a masterpiece! Our resident Harold Bloom has had his way with it ( Fred ), so now it's my turn.

I didn't catch it on the first read through because the mountains caught my eye, but the tense could use some adjustment - everyone's always getting me on this one, and I always say that it's fun to change around sometimes - but now I see their point, because it clashes with the rest of your narration and someone that doesn't understand these things might get confused as to what dimension or reality you are narrating from. That being said, you've written a biography of me, I think - or at least the me that I've always wanted - and certain events very recently, the act of learning of heartbreak and the concept of abandonment, how I love it so, they tell me that I'm reaching this point quicker than perhaps I should be. There is no more love in the world than in this poem - it is a three part spectacular. He. And. So. The bible itself began with more hesitancy!

Those trails that lead to the underside of falls, they are slippery and given to oozing blood, or nature's favorite sexual position. (mother nature is a peep) - but like that glowing afternoon, you know and I know that path doesn't exist, and we should be glad for it. But remember that even though the exhaust trail from airplanes fades after their passing, there is still evidence of their existence in the air. and we thrive on these possibilities. weeks and months go by. this is not rip van winkle. we do not age in our slumber, not on this earth. the end is tragedy - but how can a dream end any other way? real life vs. dreams? Maybe Freud was right! Will she find him sleeping there, and what will happen then? it's a paradox - trading one paradise for another, because you'll always dream of the other, no matter the one you choose. but some of us must live with our decision.

I love this poem. My 10th grade English teacher, Mrs. McCarrey, expressed her love for Birches with such affection in her voice, and I didn't understand it until years and years later. When I teach English, jimi, this poem will come up in class.
#4
stickying. brb
Quote by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




e-married to
theguitarist
minterman22
tateandlyle
& alaskan_ninja

#5
This was phenomenal.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#7
thanks guys. fred, that was very very helpful. Thanks I'll try to get it back to you in the future.
and sean, ill look into the tenses.

I hope to make a few small tweaks to this that hopefully do a lot of work in tightening it up (i feel on the edge of them).


and sean, as always, dont think (not that im accusing you) that I don't appreciate your the whole of that comment with all im worth in doing so. thanks.

thanks for reading saadia

cory :]

edit: haha thanks matt. Got to love poetry at just the right level of drunkeness.
Anatomy Anatomy
Whale Blue Review

Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me
Last edited by jiminizzle at Sep 1, 2010,
#8
this is just so ****ing good, jimi... i dont even know what to tell you. i'm so glad you kept water and sleep such a strong theme throughout the whole thing

honestly this is one of the best things I've ever read on here
Quote by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




e-married to
theguitarist
minterman22
tateandlyle
& alaskan_ninja

#9
what seems like ages ago you wrote another piece, which i still to this day consider my favorite piece ever posted here, and looking at this and how far you've come and how different but equally brilliant this is to that one is very humbling. this was incredible by the way, the sense of movement in the imagery is transcendent. absolutely loved it.