#1
On the morning I woke
In a dead, dark room
Of my dreaming I spoke
To a cold and empty room;
All the words in my head
With silver spoon were fed,
On that morning I woke
In a deaf and empty room.

Was thinking of maybe The Empty Room for a title, might do some more work on it.
Any thoughts/criticisms are welcome.
#2
I like what you have, it really brings some cool imagery to my head. I'm picturing someone waking up in a room made of concrete and cinder blocks, empty except for a bed in the corner, completely dark except for a bit of moonlight coming through the window. He just woke up from a dream and doesn't have anyone to talk to about it.

For content, I'd say beef up the imagery. Set the scene for the listener, be vivid.
As far as technical aspects of this piece, the one thing that bothers me is that you rhyme room with room. Also, using the phrase Empty Room a lot can really drive the point home, but don't go overboard with it, it can get repetitive.
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#3
The Empty Room Hmm.. sounds more like a poem to be honest maybe

The Wake?
#4
yeah the empty room is a pretty good title. i don't really see anything else that u could make a title of.
#5
Quote by Mephysteaux
I like what you have, it really brings some cool imagery to my head. I'm picturing someone waking up in a room made of concrete and cinder blocks, empty except for a bed in the corner, completely dark except for a bit of moonlight coming through the window. He just woke up from a dream and doesn't have anyone to talk to about it.


I actually wrote this after my brother woke up half-way through the night in the next room and started talking nonsense to himself before falling back to sleep

Quote by Mephysteaux

As far as technical aspects of this piece, the one thing that bothers me is that you rhyme room with room.

Yeah, I struggled to find something to rhyme with that one, but I wrote it in about 2 mins.

@Dafto I guess it is more of a poem, I've been reading lots of poetry in a bid to help my songwriting, but most of the stuff I come up with atm leans more towards poetry

I think the title will stay as the empty room for the moment, comments taken on board. If i add any more that i shall repost or something, if it seems worthwhile.

Thanks for the feedback guys