#1
ok this is part of a song i've been working on for a bit and im kinda stuck
not sure about the choruses.

VERSE:
i dont ever speak a word thats true,
but i could never lie to you

we'll stay up late and we'll have fun
we'll go to sleep when we are done

CHORUS:
i don't wanna spend my life without you
i don't wanna wait alone here
i just want you here right now

VERSE:


CHORUS:
i don't wanna spend my life without you
i don't wanna wait alone here
i just want you here, right, now!

BRIDGE:
they dont see what i see
they dont know what you know
and when the soft wind blows
your hair twirls and flows. ohhh!

GUITAR SOLO


CHORUS:
i don't wanna spend my life without you
i don't wanna wait alone here
i just want you here, right, now!


possible verses:
we don't even need a place to be
all i'll ever need is you and me
Last edited by timfoley at Sep 4, 2010,
#4
You could write something like "but your love/touch/etc could change any man" the best I got, kind of tough with understand... gl either way
#5
Quote by SK3TCHYY
You could write something like "but your love/touch/etc could change any man" the best I got, kind of tough with understand... gl either way

i like it, how about "but i know your love can change a man"

im not really sure what i should write about for the next verse
Last edited by timfoley at Aug 29, 2010,
#6
Quote by timfoley
ok this is part of a song i've been working on for a bit and im kinda stuck

VERSE:
i dont ever speak a word thats true,
but i could never think of lying to you

theres a lot that i dont understand
but i know your love could change a man

CHORUS:
i know im not what you thought i'll be
but please try and stay with me
i dont know if my love is true
but i dont wanna let go of you


VERSE:
see beyond the words i say
see how my love has lost its way


umm.. i've never written a love song so i dont have clue to how it works but this is all i could come up with. can you atleast mention a specific topic/subject you want to write on, maybe then it'll be a bit easier to add some meaningfull lines to it.


i actually liked the first 2 lines but ya as i said having to know wat you're writing about will make more sense. good luck though
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I write poetry
And it sucks.
Last edited by leafwhisperer at Aug 29, 2010,
#7
Just to start off, I actually tried something like this. A community project poem where people came around and wrote what they think it should say, https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1352959

VERSE:
i dont ever speak a word thats true,
but i could never lie to you

theres a lot that i dont understand
but i know your love can change a man

CHORUS:
i know im not what you thought i'll be Leafwhisperer
but please try and stay with me Leafwhisperer

VERSE:
see beyond the words i say Leafwhisperer
And our love will be underway? Really what you need is some really good imagry. I being much into mythology, particularly Norse and Sumarian, I think you should start a love story using some imagry from that. Or you could just add a lot of descriptive, everyday, imagry. Like talk a lot about the mailman (i.e. Carries important messages, always cheerful, chases away dogs, walks throught the blazing sun of the day, and other things that you could use to discribe either you, your love, or your girl.)

With Leafwhisperer's ideas, you have a good start, but there's a long road before it can be presentable Keep on Writing
Comments or Suggestions
Omit or Change
Suggested Changes


I am the 24 Wild Rovers
If You Wish to Give C4C Click on the Smlileys
:
#10
"I wanna taste your lips on mine" was the first thing that came to my head as a possible line to add, but I can't find a second line that suits to this.
I'm not good at writing lovesongs, but i hope i could at least help you a little bit...
-Tobbo
#14
Quote by timfoley
ok this is part of a song i've been working on for a bit and im kinda stuck

VERSE:
i dont ever speak a word thats true,
but i could never lie to you
[add this line here]Let's be together forever
we'll stay up late and we'll have fun
we'll go to sleep when we are done

CHORUS:
i don't wanna spend my life without you
i don't wanna wait around here
^^write "alone" instead of "around"
i just want you here right now
^^instead write
i just want you with me,starting today
VERSE:
theres not a lot that i understand
but i know your love can change a man(?)
^^i have heard this line sooo many times!write something else with the same meaning maybe?
but you can take apart pieces of me
rearrange 'em,make me a better man
CHORUS:
i don't wanna spend my life without you
i don't wanna wait around here
i just want you here, right, now!

BRIDGE:
they dont see what i see
they dont know what i know
[my suggestion]when the soft wind blows
And your hairs twirl and flow
you're a beautiful/breath taking sight
my perfect demise
^^i know you wanted 1 or 2 lines but this is what came to my mind


CHORUS:
i don't wanna spend my life without you
i don't wanna wait around here
i just want you here right now

[my suggestion]you are an angel,just for me
gracefully walking with flowing symphonies
I'll protect you from the simplest hurt
be mine,above the rest of the world


this is just a bit of the song im stuck.
anyone know what would fit here or anything to add on.
post the whole thing when lim done with it


This is all i could come up with i hope this helps even a little
Last edited by BloodCold at Sep 2, 2010,
#16
feels like the chorus is missing some but I don't know how you intend on it being sung. I like the way it's going though. Lyrics follow together. I'll check in later to see how it's doing. I like it so far.
Last edited by Paydro91 at Sep 3, 2010,
#19
Quote by timfoley
ok this is part of a song i've been working on for a bit and im kinda stuck

VERSE:
i dont ever speak a word thats true,
but i could never lie to you
too contradictory

we'll stay up late and we'll have fun
we'll go to sleep when we are done
rhymes are bland, monosyllabary

CHORUS:
i don't wanna spend my life without you
i don't wanna wait around here
i just want you here right now


VERSE:


CHORUS:
i don't wanna spend my life without you
i don't wanna wait around here
i just want you here, right, now!

BRIDGE:
they dont see what i see
they dont know what you know
and when the soft wind blows
your hair twirls and flows.
you're beautiful sight is my perfect demise ohhh!

I like it, very visual
GUITAR SOLO


CHORUS:
i don't wanna spend my life without you
i don't wanna wait around here
i just want you here right now



Sorry but I may be coming off as a bit too harsh, I'm just putting down what I see. You can take it or leave it. I do understand that it is a WIP and very raw.
#20
Quote by timfoley
ok this is part of a song i've been working on for a bit and im kinda stuck

VERSE:
i dont ever speak a word thats true,
but i could never lie to you nice!

we'll stay up late and we'll have fun
we'll go to sleep when we are done this line feels like a filler, especially the 'when we are done' part

CHORUS:
i don't wanna spend my life without you
i don't wanna wait alone here
i just want you here right now

VERSE:


CHORUS:
i don't wanna spend my life without you
i don't wanna wait alone here
i just want you here, right, now!

BRIDGE:
they dont see what i see
they dont know what you know
and when the soft wind blows
your hair twirls and flows. ohhh! great last two lines

GUITAR SOLO I'd say you get 35 bonus points for this


CHORUS:
i don't wanna spend my life without you
i don't wanna wait alone here
i just want you here, right, now!


just some suggestions from my side .
You who build these altars now

To sacrifice these children
You must not do it anymore