#1
First song I've ever written for guitar. I use to write poetry so the simplicity of writing punk came easily...and honestly, naturally. Exactly from this sheet of paper in my lap.

[Intro Chords] 2x

[Verse 1]
Nothing is fair, life sucks then you die
The year of 05', the summer of 09'
Two-Thousand and one still comes and goes again
Two-Thousand and two and now fucking twenty-ten!

[Chorus]
I can't hear you and I won't cause nothings important!
I'm losing my mind and I'm losing control, I'm a total distortion!
It won't matter what you say la-la-la-la I can't hear!
Talk your shit all day, na-na-na-na-na Fuck you!

[Verse 2]
Fuck the world, I'm agitated
Self-medicated and unmotivated
Stressed, Depressed, and I'm out of proportion
Sick of society, I'm a total distortion!

[solo]

[chorus] 2x
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Tell me what you think.
Last edited by Kenneth19 at Sep 1, 2010,
#2
I love the verses, but the chorus does nothing for me. It's plain and repetitive.
If I heard how it was in a recording, that might change, but I'm not a fan of punk music.

F*ck the world, I'm agitated
Self-medicated and unmotivated
Stressed, Depressed, and I'm out of proportion
Sick of society, I'm a total distortion!

Normally, I wouldn't vouch for having "I'm a total distortion" at the end of the verse, as it's used so much in the chorus, but having it before a solo, if you put enough power into the vocals, it would work very well.
#3
Cool, thanks. I didn't think about the chorus being repetitive...hmmm....I might look into that.
#5
read the rules. no title? use untitled next time, okay. we all want criticism.
#6
Quote by timfoley
i think you should get rid of the las and nas. the song doesn't have to be long you could make it longer with instrumental parts.


Hmm....What if I just fill in some lyrics to replace the first two lines in the chorus of "la-la" and "na-na" but the next two lines of the chorus, just keep it the way it is?
Last edited by Kenneth19 at Aug 30, 2010,
#10
Not the biggest punk fan myself, so I'm probably not a very good judge of this particular piece. The verses are short and to the point, which goes hand in hand with the genre, good job. I'm not sure about the "na's" and "la's" though, I think the piece would be better suited without. However, without hearing the music, I can't tell for sure

Good job though, it's tough going from poetry to song writing, thanks for sharing

LL
#12
i like it!! verse2 was my fav. and eeya i agree you should get rid of la's n na's. goodjob! keep on writing
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I write poetry
And it sucks.