#1
Beneath the trees
Beneath the stars
By my guitar
To a sea-kingdom we will go
In a another world
Lost in space
Then we will go below
Only to shine
Like the stars in the galaxy
So come while the childeren sleep
Travel the night
We will make one giant leap

Like always, c4c, just leave a link for me to know which one you want me to do
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Last edited by 24WildRovers at Aug 31, 2010,
#3
Quote by italiarlz135
that. is. so. cool. i dont really see your connection to A&E tho...

Well you know, that's what I thought when I was done with it. But thanks
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#4
Quote by italiarlz135
that. is. so. cool. i dont really see your connection to A&E tho...


I don't see the connection either, but I like this, nevertheless. It feels more like it's about the exploration of things beyond our immediate perception, be them religious or otherwise. Either way, it's put together nicely and I especially like the last 3 lines. If anything, I'd just expand the middle a bit, maybe make it a tad longer.
Last.fm


"Art is always and everywhere the secret confession, and at the same time the immortal movement of its time."


#5
I didn't get the Adam and Eve references (then again, I am not religious myself, so it may have gone above me) but the content was excellent. I really enjoy reading your work, it's got a certain rhythm that I don't often see. Only mild crit would be the last line actually- I feel there could be something a bit more punchy in it's place. Leave it with me and I'll see if I can come up with something

Thanks as usual for sharing
LL
#6
it really sets the scene! I can just about visualise it.
I do not get the adam&eve reference either ..mermaids on the other hand...maybe because of the 'sea-kingdom' line lol.

plus I like the repetion at the beginning.
#7
Quote by LandingLight
I didn't get the Adam and Eve references (then again, I am not religious myself, so it may have gone above me) but the content was excellent. I really enjoy reading your work, it's got a certain rhythm that I don't often see. Only mild crit would be the last line actually- I feel there could be something a bit more punchy in it's place. Leave it with me and I'll see if I can come up with something

Thanks as usual for sharing
LL

I actually kind of like the ending line, but if you can come up with something better, I will replace it


Quote by sheri234
it really sets the scene! I can just about visualise it.
I do not get the adam&eve reference either ..mermaids on the other hand...maybe because of the 'sea-kingdom' line lol.

plus I like the repetion at the beginning.

It seems that no one can see the relation so I edited out that saying it is about Adam and Eve. Thanks to you both for your comments Keep on Writing
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#8
Quote by 24WildRovers
Beneath the trees
Beneath the stars
By my guitar
To a sea-kingdom we will go
In *another* world
Lost in space
Then we will go below
I don't really like the "then", just "We will go below" sounds better to me.
Only to shine
Like the stars in the galaxy
So come while the *children* sleep
Travel the night
What do you mean by this? do they travel 'through' the night?
We will make one giant leap


just my idea's, I really like it as it is though .
You who build these altars now

To sacrifice these children
You must not do it anymore
#9
Quote by 24WildRovers
Beneath the trees
Beneath the stars
By my guitar
To a sea-kingdom we will go
In a another world
Lost in space
Then we will go below
^^maybe "somehow"will sound better than "then"
Only to shine
Like the stars in the galaxy
So come while the childeren sleep
Travel the night
We will make one giant leap

Like always, c4c, just leave a link for me to know which one you want me to do


So i really love it ,it has a nice dreamy feelFor some reason i only didnt like the last line...maybe write
"We will achieve success in a while"
Or something else or just keep it as it is it's your work afterall!Keep writing

Oh i am working on a re-draft for 'death by love' check it out in a few days!
Last edited by BloodCold at Aug 31, 2010,
#10
Quote by the bartender
just my idea's, I really like it as it is though .

Well thank you for your comments and suggestions, I included ''then" in the one line to kind of keep the meter going, but I might remove it if I feel like it later. And I put travel the night because it was suppose to be about Adam and Eve. And their creaters came from a ''Dark Star'' planet, so when us white people were created, we were created after the image of our creaters (Annunakis.) And it is travel the night because not only do you travel space to get here, but in comparison, it is very bright here, so to Adam and Eve, it might have seem like they've been in night a long time. If that makes any sense
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Last edited by 24WildRovers at Aug 31, 2010,
#11
Quote by BloodCold
So i really love it ,it has a nice dreamy feelFor some reason i only didnt like the last line...maybe write
"We will achieve success in a while"
Or something else or just keep it as it is it's your work afterall!Keep writing

Oh i am working on a re-draft for 'death by love' check it out in a few days!

Thanks, I was kind of going for a dreamy feel. And I've had a couple people before you say they don't care for the last line. So I might later on today rewrite something for that.

I will check out work as soon as it's up Keep on Writing
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#12
It feels like a dream. I really like this. I got images of Super Mario Galaxy while reading it. Although, both times you use "we will go", I feel like you're stretching it out a bit. To me, it disturbs and almost perfect stream of conciousness.
#13
Quote by ultimatedaver
It feels like a dream. I really like this. I got images of Super Mario Galaxy while reading it. Although, both times you use "we will go", I feel like you're stretching it out a bit. To me, it disturbs and almost perfect stream of conciousness.

I actually use "we will go'' three times I think. But at the moment I can't think of any change, so if you wish to take the time and give me some ideas I will think of changing it. So for now I think I will keep them
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